Don't give up on your marriage and learn how some simple steps can teach you how to fix it.
In America, about every 4 minutes a couple gets divorced. By the time you finish reading this article close to 10 couples will have called it quits.
That’s over 40,000 divorces a week. That’s a tidy sum of legal billing hours for the attorneys involved. Adding to that financial pain, is the emotional trauma for all the family members of any couple going through the process.
Is any of that divorce pain preventable?
I think most of it is, and that the majority of marriages can be greatly improved or completely turned around.
How would I know?
I have been working with couples to resolve particularly difficult relationship challenges for close to a decade. In my experience, people simply don’t know what to do to sustain love and passion in their relationships. I used to be one of them.
- Who would have taught you how to deepen the intimacy in your marriage?
- Who demonstrated to you how to quickly resolve conflicts?
- Who described in detail what to never do that would destroy communication?
- Who told you the truth about alignment and why it matters?
- Who taught you how to sustain passion for a lifetime?
I finally got fed up from struggling, and not knowing what to do, and figured out how to have a great marriage. Fortunately and unfortunately, we all model some of the behaviors that we experience from our parents. Did you want the day to day joy that your parents experienced with each other?
For most of us the answer is, Absolutely No!. Our role models matter because we know that children of divorce have much higher rates of divorce when they ultimately marry. Will that be your legacy?
In my opinion, divorce often becomes a choice made by what people perceive as a lack of valid options. And people often fail because of what they don't know.
The reality is that we all make simple mistakes unknowingly that it devastates our relationships.
In my new book The 90-Minute Marriage Miracle, The Only Guide You Will Ever Need to Making Love Last, I write about 7 Breakthrough Strategies that work immediately to resolve conflicts and to improve most aspects of the relationship—even if the situation might seem hopeless. Just about anything is possible when people finally learn what to do that actually works.
Here’s a quick summary of the strategies:
- Can you handle the truth? Stop doing the things that are hurting the relationship. A little honesty goes a long way here. We have all done things from time to time that have not been helpful to sustaining love and passion.
- Check Your Vision. Know what you want, not what you don’t want. Most people just wing it day by day, without any idea of what they are working towards together. As a result, they get caught up in the stressors of the moment, instead of the pursuing a vision of what they want their intimate lives to be like.
- Correct the Chemistry—People change over time and it impacts the relationship. People forget what initially captivated the hearts of the couple. If they were to think back to the beginning of the relationship and begin now to interact with each other that same way, then feelings of disconnect can begin to disappear.
- Attention and Appreciation—Some things are easy to do, and just as easy not to do. Show your partner more appreciation. Give them your attention when they need it. Give them your reassurance about your commitment instead of subtle and not so subtle hints of your unhappiness and leaving.
- Button Pushing Push Back—When couples push each other’s buttons arguments tend to escalate. The fastest way out is to remember why you are with this person. Soften up, and bring more playfulness, fun, silliness, and surprise back into your interaction with your partner. Stop taking things, including yourself, so seriously. You’ll enjoy it too.
- Tropical Storms—Bottled up emotions will come out. Can you have heartfelt understanding for whatever your partner is going through? Can you remember to completely focus on them when they need you? Can you tune into what’s really going on without taking it as a personal attack, because mostly it’s not?
- Me First or Maybe Not—Who is going to initiate the repair or improvement of your relationship? Are you waiting for your partner to go first because they owe you? If someone doesn’t step forward first and initiate, then things will never change. Many couples are silently waiting for the other person to do something to fix the marriage. Nothing ever changes that way. Take 100% responsibility for the relationship by being the one to give first.
These strategies have been well tested with the most difficult relationship challenges that you might imagine. They work, and have been effective every time clients have implemented them. I urge you to try them out for yourself and notice what happens.
Having a great marriage requires knowing what to do and what not do to. While my book can help you know what to do, having a great marriage is also a choice.
We each get to decide how we will interact with our partner, despite past events and circumstances. Every moment we share creates a new opportunity to deepen the connection, or to elevate communication. What will you choose to do in any of these moments?
This isn’t about Right vs. Wrong, or Good vs. Bad.
I view relationship strategies through a simple lens; Is what I’m doing right now beneficial, helpful, or supportive to sustaining love and passion in my marriage? If the answer is no, then why am I doing it?
We are all capable of choosing to do something that is supportive and beneficial. The success and happiness of your marriage will always reflect what you choose to do and not do ... Choose wisely.