Help! My New Boyfriend Is Into Bondage And It Scares Me

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Help, My New Boyfriend Is Into Bondage And It Scares Me!
Bondage is a great way to enhance your sex life!

Since bondage pushes the boundaries of normal sex by experimenting with things considered taboo, it is understandable why you may feel scared. Upon deeper reflection, these fears may be a combination of your perception of bondage, things that happened to you growing up, and your still new relationship with your boyfriend. These fears may show up in these ways.

  1. You are a good girl and good girls don't have deviant sex.
  2. You are into equality and don't want to dominate or be submissive
  3. You have been manipulated and abused growing up and equate bondage to these things. 
  4. You have body image issues and think bondage will make you more insecure.
  5. Being vulnerable is uncomfortable; you think bondage will put you in a position of discomfort.   
  6. You don't know your boyfriend well enough to feel completely safe with him or to trust him fully.
  7. Your relationship is still too new; you do not want to be put in a compromising position where you could be humiliated, embarrassed, etc.
  8. You think bondage is S&M (sadomasochism, where people are turned on by pain)

While these fears may seem real, consider that with the right person, bondage can add spice and excitement to your sex life. It can let you play out your fantasies, let go and let someone else be in charge, experiment with new things, and experience sensations that you might not have with regular sex.

Have an Open Conversation

If you are still feeling hesistant, consider having an open conversation with your partner. Speak with your boyfriend openly about your fears, concerns, and thoughts about bondage. As you have this conversation, see how he responds. A good guy won't dismiss or belittle what you are saying. He will be open and listen to understand your perspective.

Ask him how he envisions your sex life (i.e. normal sex vs. bondage, just the two of you, will he want it to extend into group scenarios, etc.), the form of bondage he wants (i.e. using restraints and restricting movement for sexual pleasure or pain), his expectations (i.e. frequency, role he and you would play, materials and equipment used, etc.).   

If your boyfriend is a genuinely good guy, be open to the idea of adding bondage to your sex life, but only if you want to try it. Trying bondage because you do not want to lose him is not the right reason to do so. 

Your purpose in having this conversation is to learn if you can be open to bondage and to make sure there is a clear understanding of each other's desires and expectations about your sex life. This conversation should also help you know the role bondage will play in your relationship and the form of bondage you will have in order to help you decide if it's something you're interested in pursuing. 

If you and your boyfriend have completely different desires and expectations for your sex life and are unwilling to compromise, it may be best to part ways. You and your boyfriend should be able to enjoy normal sex as is. Bondage should be a way to enhance you sex life, not be your entire sex life.  If your boyfriend is obsessed with bondage, yet you want regular sex, you will be sexually incompatible. 

How to Prepare Yourself

If you decide to add bondage to your sex life, make sure that you feel safe and trust your boyfriend. This may mean holding off until you get to know each other at a deeper level. If he is the right guy for you, he will be understanding and patient. Only try bondage when you are ready, open and feel comfortable with the thought of it.  

Work on releasing your fears. For instance, if being vulnerable is uncomfortable and you think bondage will put you in a position of discomfort, express yourself openly in sticky situations where you would normally put your guard up.  Releasing your fears will help you feel more at ease and possibly open you up to enjoy something you've never tried before.

It is best to try bondage when you are sober so that you get the true experience of what it is like. Being drunk and having sex with materials and equipment involved can be risky and increases the opportunity for something harmful to happen.  

Take Small Steps

According to dictionary.com, bondage is the state or practice of being physically restrained, as by being tied up, chained, or put in handcuffs for sexual gratification.

Let's say you have agreed to being the submissive one and he being the dominant one. Make this a shared activity from the start by going shopping together and buying the clothing, materials or equipment you both want to use. He could heighten your senses by handcuffing your wrists with fuzzy handcuffs, then tickling and lightly stroking your body with a feather. This leaves you truly free to enjoy being physically aroused.  

Take a playful approach by first trying the more docile acts of bondage and intensifying them with sex toys. As you continue experimenting with different things, pay attention to what turns you on and expand upon those things. Let your boyfriend know if you feel uncomfortable or scared at any time and stop doing the things that turn you off and feed your fears.

Ultimately, if bondage is right for the two of you, it will enhance your sex life and bring you both closer together. If it is right, you will look forward to having sex, feel more confident about yourself and your relationship. A side benefit to expanding your comfort zone in the bedroom is that it may lead to expanding your comfort zone in other areas of life. 

What are your thoughts about bondage? If you've been hesitant about adding bondage to your sex life, is this now something you would reconsider? Share your thoughts in the comments below.

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Article contributed by

Janet Ong Zimmerman

Relationship Coach

Relationship Coach for Successful Women

Co-Author of International Best Seller "Sexy Secrets to a Juicy Love Life"

Having a hard time finding success in love?  Take the Love Indicator Assessment. You'll receive a free 6-page report showing where you're at with love, the reasons you haven't found it yet and what you can do to immediately improve your love life.

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Ready for love?  Contact Janet at janet@loveforsuccessfulwomen.com or 949-278-4792.

Location: Irvine, CA
Credentials: Other
Specialties: Communication Problems, Couples/Marital Issues, Dating/Being Single Support
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