YourTango Experts provide guidance on how to let go of an ex after a breakup.
If you want to bring new long lasting love into your life you have to make room for it. This means letting go of that relationship you know is not working. If you are fanning a dying flame by playing that special music, ogling online, and revisiting the fantasy just because it's BTN (better than nothing), you are robbing yourself of a new, exciting opportunity. Announcing The First Annual Break Up With Your Ex Day
Every time you go back to the past, you sprinkle that "gotta have more" neurotransmitter, dopamine, on a dead-end relationship, and program yourself for loneliness. Kick the habit; axe the ex! Declare a moratorium on any type of contact, IRL or URL.
Don't kid yourself about being "just friends." Take hold of your brain and your body and STOP! Stop your thoughts every time they move in that dead-end direction. Put a red stop sign everywhere you're apt to digress.
See yourself with the love of your life: happy, fulfilled, passionate. Emblazon this image in your brain and replace any old vision with this new picture of bliss. A few signs you're moving on:
- You automatically think of the future when you are tempted by the past.
- You make a purchase to attract your new lover (real or potential), not your old.
- You notice the attention you are getting from other interested people.
My advice? Put your antennae up: tune in to new and better opportunities. You can make this happen by letting it happen.
—Pat Love, Counselor/Therapist
"It's not over with your ex until you stop looking for ways to emotionally connect with them," says Carol Kramer Slepian, an Imago-trained couple's therapist. Imago is one of the leading methods of couples counseling developed by myself and Helen LaKelly Hunt, PhD. "If you feel blue on your ex-wife's birthday, that's a bad sign," Carol explains, "Along with weeping at that song you shared together, or boring everyone over dinner with tales of their shocking mistreatment of you. Take their name out of your lives. Don't leave it in your phone, or email list, where you keep tripping over it."
According to Hendrix & Hunt, each member of a couple constructs and acts upon a narrative about their relationship that is based on emotional needs deeply embedded from their past. Often those stories conflict, and cause painful conflict. Imago therapy helps you become aware that. If you don't understand the deeper history of the relationship that just failed, chances are you are going to go straight out and find a partner with whom to repeat the painful experiences all over again. Ouch! 20 Shocking Breakup Statistics
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