How to Renegotiate the Terms of Your Relationship


How to Renegotiate the Terms of Your Relationship
How to appropriately and calmly renegotiate the terms of your relationship.

If you've been with your man for more than a few years, it's inevitable that the things that worked for you in the beginning of your relationship aren't going to work anymore. When that happens, you need to appropriately and calmly renegotiate the terms of your relationship, so both you and your guy can get your needs met.

For example, maybe your guy has had poker night with his buddies every Sunday since you met him, and it's always been perfectly fine with you. In fact, you looked forward to the quiet in the house all week! But now that you're in the middle of a difficult pregnancy, you don't want to be left alone in the house at night anymore. You need more support but you don't know how to bring it up because Sunday poker night has always been his thing. What I hear from my clients is that they struggle with feelings of guilt, and usually end up stomping around all day Sunday, resentful that he's going, for example — to poker night. Wouldn't asking him to stop be wrong? And how can you talk to him about it without appearing like a nagging, unsupportive wife or girlfriend?


First, you need to understand that it is 100% normal to renegotiate the terms of your relationship. As you evolve as a couple, the terms of your relationship will evolve as well, so it's not wrong to ask for something different.

Once you understand that you're not doing anything wrong by asking to renegotiate the relationship, talk to your guy about what you need from him. If you need him to skip Sunday poker night for a few weeks, don't bring it up on Sunday afternoon. Talk to him about it on Wednesday so he doesn't feel ambushed. You could try saying something like:

"Babe, I'm feeling really vulnerable and scared right now with all that's going on, and I'm not feeling poker night for a while. Being left here alone at night really stresses me out and makes me feel a little abandoned. Would it be okay if you skipped a couple weeks?"

Then be open to his response. Maybe he'll say yes right away, or he'll offer a compromise — but whatever he says be ready to meet him halfway.

I want to hear from you! Is there something about your relationship you'd like to renegotiate? Share your experience in the comment box below!

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Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Heather Baker

Life Coach

Promise Me That You Won't Stop Looking Until You Find The Things That Really Matter

-K Cerulean

Location: San Francisco, CA
Credentials: BA, CPC, ELI-MP
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