A break-up is a break-up, no matter how it's explained. When a relationship ends, a couple separates with feelings of hurt, remorse, guilt and sometimes relief. This is common when marriages or long term commitments end. But what happens when there are immediate sparks with someone you just met and then, almost overnight, those sparks fade away.
Your emotions matter in all situations. When you invest your time and your heart into another person, you are becoming vulnerable, an otherwise uncomfortable feeling that can leave you feeling insecure, unsure and exposed to being hurt. The amount of time you spend with someone does not determine this level of vulnerability, the amount of yourself that you give to the other person does. Deciding to give your heart to someone else always comes at a risk of letting your guard down to let love in.
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After a divorce or when a couple parts after many years together, friends and family will suggest both parties seek closure. Seeking closure generally requires a combination of therapy, self-help books, self discovery time and reflection over the relationship. Because there is an established history, there's usually numerous layers to unfold to get to the core of what went wrong, how you changed, how he changed, etc. etc. etc.
However, in shorter situations, there may not be a lot of history or layers to reveal. After dating someone for a few weeks or even a few months, it just may be an issue of things didn't work, you weren't compatibe or the chemistry wasn't there. Even still, if time did not dictate a long term relationship, does that not mean your emotions were not just as invested or you weren't that attached?
If your heart has been broken, closure can be an important step towards healing and moving on to the next stage of your life. Instead of looking at the length of time you spent with someone as a deciding factor, look at how much of yourself you invested in making the relationship work.
If you are beating yourself up over what happened, why it ended or dealing with an achy breaky heart, those emotions are valid and deserve to be addressed. It may not be healthy to continually ask your ex why things went awry, but instead turn internally and see if there is anything to be learned or gained from this experience.
Ten insightful questions to ask about any relationship are:
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- What did I value about this relationship?
- What did I like about this person?
- What did I not like about this person?
- Was I a better version of myself with this person?
- Did I feel valued, appreciated and respected in this relationship?
- Was the "work' 50/50 or was it more one-sided?
- Was I sexually satisfied?
- Was I vocal about the things I liked or did I do everything he liked?
- Was I really happy or was I simply faking it?
- Am I ready to move on?
They say people come into your life for reasons, seasons and lifetimes. Closure can not only offer healing and personal growth, it can often help you move from a reason to a season to a lifetime of love.
Contributed by Kimberly James, MatchMaster & Dating Expert, www.findyourplusone.com