When I started writing Why You’re Still Single, back in early 2005, I was working with a different woman than my eventual partner. This original co-writer was a noted matchmaker who brought a certain credibility to my pet project – she’s experienced in her field, she’s telegenic, she knows plenty about single people, etc.
One of the first chapters I completed was called “The Beauty Myth Is Not a Myth”. It didn’t necessarily debunk Naomi Wolf’s seminal work, but it did establish one very important concept that women need to understand: Men are as shallow as advertised. And while women can beat their heads against a wall, wishing that this were not true, they’re fighting a real losing battle if they expect men to stop worshipping at the altar of beauty.
To be clear, I wasn’t condoning male behavior, I was merely reporting it. Yet my writing partner felt so unnerved that her version of the “Beauty Myth” chapter only served to contradict everything I had written.
She mentioned that she was in the business of connecting souls.
She stated that as men mature, they learn to appreciate inner beauty.
She encouraged women to hold out for the kind of guy who isn’t as focused on the outer packaging.
That’s when I fired her from the project.
I tell this story not to make myself look good (clearly), but because I refused to put out a book that gave bad advice. And make no mistake about it – telling women to hold out for men who don’t care about looks is BAD ADVICE. Why? Because men like this are as common as Halley’s Comet....
Here’s an excerpt from Why You’re Still Single:
"Men who are 5s want women who are 10s. And women who are 5s are often left out in the cold.
If anybody should be judged harshly, it’s men for refusing to let women age gracefully. Most men do not break out of gender roles and societal expectations. So while you may know a handful of men who don’t care about looks, they are rarities. They are the gold standard, the type that every woman should be striving to date. But if you’re under the illusion that they grow on trees, it’s time to wake up and smell the Kiehl’s anti-aging lotion. The number of guys who are “above” the whole looks thing may fill a classroom, but not a stadium, and definitely not a big enough portion of the male population to suggest any type of trend.
In a weak moment, I bet that even the most non-judgmental guy around would say that he wants a mind, soul, and body connection – but only if she takes care of her body."
So, why do male dating experts tell men how to get the hottest women possible?
Because that’s what men want. Plain and simple. Dating experts try to sell products by connecting with readers’ basest wishes. And for men, the holy grail is to be able to get the hot girl. What these men rarely consider is that the hot girl might also be emotionally bankrupt, unintelligent, flaky, humorless, and lack basic human empathy. These details don’t concern them. Men's repeated refrain: “I can’t help what I’m attracted to."
Who do we blame for this? Men, of course, but there’s more than enough responsibility to go around. After all, women buy into the Beauty Myth just as much as men do. Advertising and media saturation reinforce the image of perfect bodies and skin, and women spend thousands of dollars each year striving for an impossible standard. And to please whom? Men? Themselves?