Think He's 'The One'? Not So Fast!


Dating Tips: How To Keep Him Interested
Find out how one simple phrase you're using sabotages everything.

I need to get something off my chest. I cringe when one of my clients in the throes of a blossoming romance, happily says, "This feels so right. I think he's the one." I shiver and get ready for the other shoe to drop. It doesn't always, but it's worth noting that this statement alone is enough to make me start battening down the hatches for a messy storm of a relationship — a male disappearance and teary "WHY!?" questions that subsequently follow.

This particular gushy statement happens in the first few weeks or months of dating. Usually after the woman has been through an exhausting number of dates with guys who are completely wrong for her. She finally meets someone who she clicks with, and she's captivated. Not to get all dating-as-hunting metaphor on you, but as you're already aware, men's and women's dating styles are completely different. As much as women like to protest about it, men really are hunters. They like the chase.  I can say that until I turn blue. Men like the chase!


The reason "Oh my gosh, this feels so right! He's the one!" is a problem is that while you've gone all weak in the knees and decided he's the one, this is the dating equivalent of putting all your cards on the table. You're not a challenge anymore. The guy starts to pull away and create distance.

While you're telling me all about your shared future, the guy often reports something much different. He's usually says something like, "I really like her; she's great. I'd like to get to know her better." He's usually not saying, "Wow, I've also been hit by lightning. This is my forever person."

In the first few weeks of a relationship, this response from a healthy man is so rare that it rivals unicorns and endangered species. Frankly, if he's also thinking you're the one, you aren't telling me anything because you're already in Tahiti getting married, not justifying your feelings to anyone.

Even if you don't say a single word to him about how you two are meant to be, your energy toward him changes. You start making yourself overly available and dropping everything to hang out. You start compromising your friendships and girl's nights. You start clearing off Friday night for relationship-town. He can no longer wonder what you're doing or what you're thinking about him because you've already shared it all. The challenge is gone.

This is why it's so important to keep a rein on your feelings so you don't rush both of you through the whole process. When you get too intense too soon, he's suddenly saddled with a responsibility. That non-fun responsibility is your mounting feelings towards him. Your insistence that he's the one (aloud or not) makes it important that he's on the same page as you immediately. If he isn't, he starts to feel pursued by you and guilty that he just doesn't feel the same way.

Think back to any time you've dated someone who had bigger feelings for you than you did for him. While you may have felt flattered, there is a sense of growing terror about having to relay the bad news. This is not at all what you're hoping he'll think about you. 

The best advice I can give you if you're over the moon about someone new is to calm down and see what happens while enjoying every second of it. Run them through your standards list. But the "This feels right, he's the one" label can wait.

To find out more about why men lose interest, get a free copy of my book, Why Men Lose Interest here. Tell me your thoughts in the comments!

More dating tips from YourTango:

Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Elizabeth Stone


Ever feel like your heart just got ripped out and your guy danced the samba on it?  Do you want one more chance, to make things amazing again? Let me help you rewind your relationship back to the way it was at the beginning, before he pulled away and became cold and distant.

I know what it feels like to wake up with sick feeling in the pit of your stomach, hoping, wishing that you could turn back the clock and make things better again.

Find out what to do when a guy withdraws from you and turn your relationship around now.

Location: Las Vegas, NV
Credentials: BA
Specialties: Dating/Being Single Support
Other Articles/News by Elizabeth Stone:

11 Signs You’re Dating a Toxic Narcissist


Among the types of people who can really muck up your life, there is the toxic narcissist. Narcissism exists on a spectrum. These self-centered folks can be simply more focused on themselves or it can cross over into an actual personality disorder. Either way, narcissists are legendarily difficult to have relationships with, so if you are truly coping with ... Read more

Break Up Or Make Up? 7 Important Questions To Ask Yourself First


One really common question that I get often is, "How do I know when I should break up with someone?" or it's variation, "I really love this person but how do I know if something is a deal breaker?" Without a well-rounded perspective on what your relationship is really like, whether you should stay or go is my best guess—and you ... Read more

7 Golden Rules To Keep You From Being A Clingy Girlfriend


"You're too clingy," he said, after a breakup speech that left a knot in my gut. "But … I just thought … things were going well," I said, with the sudden sharp urge to crawl under the table. Ouch. Ever had someone dump you or pull away without warning? This happened to me over and over in different ways until I got ... Read more

See More

Latest Expert Videos
Must-see Videos
Most Popular