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Tell-tale signs your relationship isn’t providing you with the love you deserve and need.
By Karen Finn
Last updated on Oct 27, 2023
Love is a funny thing. We’ve heard all our lives it’s "patient and kind, not envious, boastful or proud. Love doesn’t dishonor. It isn’t self-seeking, easily angered, or resentful. It always protects, trusts, hopes, perseveres, and never fails." Oh, and love rejoices in truth.
Then there are marriage vows that say, "For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health."
But do you notice those definitions only cover how we should demonstrate love to another? No one's teaching us how to receive love. The consequence for not knowing what love should feel like or how to receive it in a healthy way mean that you end up settling.
How do you know if your spouse or partner isn’t good for you? Outside of the obvious, such as abuse, untreated addictions, or setting an abysmal example for your children — there are some tell-tale signs your relationship or marriage isn’t providing you with the love you deserve and need.
Here’s how to know if someone isn't good for you, no matter how much you love them.
1. You don’t share the same core values or want the same things anymore.
Yes, of course, we all change over time. Ideally, a couple will grow together through those evolutions, but that doesn’t always happen. Living with the constant stress of conflicting values or goals isn’t good for either of you.
2. You don't want to keep trying to make it work.
Marriage is about two people choosing togetherness every day. If you’re forcing yourself to make the relationship work, then you might want to think long and hard about what you’re getting out of your relationship. Feeling like you 'should' be happy isn't the same as actual happiness.
3. Your partner doesn’t get along with your family and friends.
It’s one thing if they have friction with one or two friends or family members, but if your partner has a problem with all of them, that’s not OK.
4. You hide your thoughts and feelings from them.
Sure, sometimes touchy subjects come up that you broach with care. But if you’re consistently hiding your thoughts and feelings from your mate, then you're denying who you are. Choosing to hide the real you to keep the peace is not a good plan for the long term.
5. They continue to complain, but won’t do anything to make your relationship better.
Seriously?! Your partner sounds like a spoiled child and not an adult capable of being a real partner in a relationship. A relationship will never work if you're carrying the entire load.
6. Your instincts are screaming at you to get out.
Why aren’t you listening to them? And no, you can’t use either the definition of love above or your marriage vows as the reason you’re ignoring the clear message your instincts scream at you each day.
7. Your partner has no respect for you.
Nobody likes us every single minute, but treating each other with respect is a requirement for a healthy marriage (or any other relationship, for that matter).
8. You're starting to hate being around your partner.
If you’re manufacturing reasons to avoid spending time alone with your partner, you need to ask why. And once you know that answer, you can either work on things or know, once and for all, that you need to move on.
Feeling irritated with your spouse or partner is normal in even the best relationships. But, if you consistently can't stand them or avoid them at all costs, it’s time to consider getting out.
9. You don’t like who you are when your spouse is around.
Do you hold your tongue, agree with things they say that you don't really believe, or otherwise go along with behaviors outside of your true self? Pretending that you’re different — especially someone you don’t like — just to appease your partner is no way to live.
10. You feel manipulated and controlled.
If your spouse consistently maneuvers you into doing what they want, then your marriage lacks the give and take needed to make a marriage successful.
11. You don't trust the one you "love."
You can rebuild trust, but it takes commitment and effort by both parties to restore it. You can’t do it on your own. And if you don't trust your spouse, there's probably a good reason.
12. Your relationship lacks any sense of real connection.
Healthy relationships ideally nurture and support both partners over many, many years. But if you two can’t connect on a deep level — at least occasionally — then you have to question your marriage’s viability.
Just because you identify with one or two of the items on this list doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve misplaced your love. It could just mean there's some more work to do to see if, together, you can repair your marriage.
But if you’re saying "yes" to all 13 items on this list, it’s time to get out before you settle for meh — or 'fine.' And you might even settle for poisonous, violent, and horrible.
You do so because you convince yourself that the problem is you — that somehow you don't act loving enough. So you try even harder and harder to love the other person, hoping that if you get good enough at it, that person will love you back.
But here’s a harsh but loving truth: Some people are just not good for you and never will be, and you need to let them go.
Marriage, as well as any long-term relationship, is a two-way street. Accept that your partner isn’t the one for you, no matter how much you love them. This will likely feel painful and difficult, but ending a relationship with someone who isn’t good for you is the most loving thing you can do ... for him, for your kids (if you have them), and for yourself.
If you don’t express, receive, and model healthy love, you don’t have a solid relationship. (Yes, that’s another paraphrase of 1 Corinthians.) And nothing is what you have if you continue to live in a marriage where you aren’t loved.
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Dr. Karen Finn is a divorce and life coach. Her writing on marriage and divorce has appeared on MSN, Yahoo!, and eHarmony, among others.