Some of the reasons we might want to have sex:
- Feeling insecure and wanting to feel loved or validated through sex
- Hoping that by having sex the other person will like you or love you
- Having sex as a form of control over the other person's feelings for you
- Feeling sexual desire and wanting another person to take care of it for you
- Hoping that having sex will release stress
- Hoping that having sex will put you to sleep
- To have a sense of power and control over someone in general
- To avoid facing feelings of loneliness and aloneness, or other painful feelings
- To be held and get the affection that you want
- Feeling filled with love and wanting to express it physically to the person you love
Other than the last reason, all the others are from a wounded part of you — your wounded self.
The wounded self in many people has learned to use sex addictively — to get love, avoid pain, and feel safe. This can create many problems in relationships and in society in general. A person acting from his or her wounded self who wants power and control may sexually abuse both children and adults.
A person in a relationship operating from the wounded self, who has learned to use sex as a form of validation, may be sexually demanding to the point that his or her partner feels used, controlled, and invaded. The partner at the other end of an insecure and sexually demanding partner often finds himself or herself completely turned off sexually in the relationship. Is Your Spouse The Best Sex You've Ever Had?
I have often worked with women who have sex with a man, not because she feels great desire, but in the hopes of getting him to love her and stay in the relationship. Invariably, this backfires and she ends up feeling betrayed. Yet, she has betrayed herself by using sex as a form of control.
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