How To (FINALLY) Ditch The Narcissists And Find A Happy Relationship

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Because you deserve better.

Have you found yourself continually attracting the same kind of unhealthy person into your life, such as people who are narcissistic or emotionally unavailable? This is the situation Connie finds herself in.

"As a child of narcissists, I've struggled for decades. My attraction to men, since the age of 14, has been to narcissists and sociopaths. I thought it was love, but really I was seeking approval. I've been healing for many years, yet as a highly sensitive person with this history, I know I may always be vulnerable. The catch is evaluating someone new with a level head and making sound decisions before falling 'blindly' in love. What are your thoughts to attract a healthy relationship that is not based on dependency or approval?"

Many people tend to be attracted to people who are similar to one or both of their parents. Their ego wounded self says, "If I can get a person like my mom or dad to love me, then I'll be okay." The problem is that there are three different lies in this statement:

  1. You can't have control over how people feel about you.
  2. People who are not loving themselves won't learn to love you, no matter how loving you think you are being with them.
  3. As an adult, you need to learn to love yourself to feel that you are okay. Others' love can help and support you in developing self-worth, but no one can do it for you.

So trying to get a narcissistic or emotionally unavailable person to love you and connect with you will always be a losing battle.

Attracting a "healthy relationship that's not based on dependency or approval" naturally occurs as you learn to love yourself. The more you learn to love and value who you really are, the less you will find yourself attracted to people who aren't loving or valuing themselves. As the Law of Attraction states, "Like attracts like," so the more you abandon yourself and then seek others' approval to feel okay, the more you attract other self-abandoning people.

Connie finds herself attracted to narcissists because she's coming from her own narcissistic wounded self. The ego wounded self in all of us has some degree of narcissism, which means that when we're abandoning ourselves and operating from our wounded selves, we expect someone else to take responsibility for our feelings of worth. When we're abandoning ourselves, we are operating from a low frequency and we attract other people who are also operating from a low frequency.

When we practice what I call "Inner Bonding," learning to connect with our spiritual guidance and operate as loving adults who take responsibility for their own feelings of self-worth, then we operate from a high frequency and we attract other high frequency people — people who are also loving themselves and taking responsibility for their feelings and defining their own self-worth.

So I would say to Connie, "It's not about evaluating someone new with a level head and making sound decisions before falling 'blindly' in love. It's about becoming the kind of person you want to attract. The more you learn to connect with yourself and your spiritual guidance, the quicker you can sense the frequency of another person."

When you're operating from your loving adult rather than from your wounded self, you can sense immediately whether someone is authentically open and loving, rather than acting open and loving. Narcissistic and emotionally unavailable people are adept at acting open, but there's a huge difference in frequency between genuinely open and caring people and people who have learned to act open and caring. The more open and caring you become with yourself, the easier it becomes to sense the truth about another person.

Join Dr. Margaret Paul for her 30-Day at-home Course: "Love Yourself: An Inner Bonding Experience to Heal Anxiety, Depression, Shame, Addictions and Relationships." 


This article was originally published at Reprinted with permission from the author.


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