50 Things You Should Try For Hotter Sex
ProConnect

“Am I Lovable?” – Heal Shame Now!

By

“Am I Lovable?” – Heal Shame Now!
Do you try to get love & approval in order to feel good about yourself? This is a hard way to live!

Do you depend on how other people see you, for your own sense of worth? If you do, you are not alone. People Magazine wrote that Demi Moore is totally dependent on how other people see her in order to feel any sense of worth. The magazine states that Moore says she is afraid she is not lovable.

Why, with all her fame and beauty, does she still believe she is not lovable?

More from YourTango: "I Keep Choosing The Wrong Partner"

The reason is that one’s sense of worth and lovability has nothing to do with others’ approval or disapproval, or with fame, looks or fortune. It is all about how you treat yourself.

If you had a child, and instead of loving her, you went around to neighbors, family and friends and kept trying to get them to love the child, telling her that she wasn’t lovable unless these other people loved her – how would the child feel? Even if others did love the child, if you didn’t, she would feel abandoned, unloved and unlovable. She would conclude that there must be something wrong with her if you didn’t love her – even if others did.

This is exactly what happens on the inner level. In any moment that you are making others responsible for your feelings of worth and lovability, you are abandoning yourself and making yourself feel unworthy and unlovable. No matter how much money, fame or beauty you have, self-abandonment will lead to feelings of shame and unworthiness.

You might also be abandoning yourself in other ways - such as harshly judging yourself; or staying focused in your mind, ignoring your body and your feelings; or turning to various substance and process addictions to avoid feeling and taking responsibility for learning from your feelings. All feelings are informational – letting you know if you are being loving or unloving to yourself, or whether a person or situation is safe or unsafe, loving or unloving. Again, as with a child, if you harshly judge yourself and ignore your feelings, the sensitive part of you – your inner child - will feel abandoned, alone, unloved, unlovable and unworthy.

As long as you spend your energy trying to control how others feel about you – rather than loving and valuing who you really are - you will feel badly about yourself.

Healing Shame

More from YourTango: "I Lose Myself Around Others"

Simply put, shame heals when you learn to love yourself and define your own worth. What does this mean? Who is the ‘self’ you need to learn to love and define, and how do you go about defining yourself?

If, as you were growing up, you didn’t receive unconditional love for who you are – your true self – then you might have concluded that who you are is not good enough. You might have created a ‘self’ that you hoped would be good enough to receive the love and approval you needed. We can call this made-up self - which we all created – the ego or wounded self. Our ego wounded self operates from the false belief that who we really are is inadequate, unlovable, unworthy, not good enough.

Share this with someone you love (or even like a lot)!

Let's make it
FB official
Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Dr. Margaret Paul

Author

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® process - featured on Oprah, and recommended by actress Lindsay Wagner and singer Alanis Morissette. Are you are ready to heal your pain and discover your joy? Take our FREE Inner Bonding course, and click here for a FREE CD/DVD relationship offer. Visit our website at innerbonding.com for more articles and help, as well as our Facebook Page. Phone and Skype sessions available. Join the thousands we have already helped and visit us now!

Location: Pacific Palisades, CA
Credentials: PhD
Specialties: Anxiety Issues, Couples/Marital Issues, Depression
Other Articles/News by Dr. Margaret Paul:

"I Keep Choosing The Wrong Partner"

By

Do you find yourself choosing a similar wrong partner over and over? This is what Laura asks about: "How can I get past the point of choosing destructive and abusive relationships over and over just because I grew up in an abusive and dysfunctional family? Is it better to just remain single and grow with God and be a good mom and not gravitate toward ... Read more

"I Lose Myself Around Others"

By

Do you find that you take loving care of yourself when you are alone, but that you lose yourself with someone you are attracted to, or around someone you want to connect with? This is a common issue. Val asks: "I am perfectly able to care, love and connect to myself when I am alone. It's in the face of attraction to someone that I get lost ... Read more

How Far Am I In The Narcissism World?

By

All of us have some characteristics and behaviors that fall into the category of narcissism. Narcissism is on a continuum from mild, occasional, and subtle to the more ubiquitous, obvious or extreme behaviors of a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Since narcissism is likely a part of everyone's ego wounded self, it is helpful to your personal growth and ... Read more

See More

Recent Expert Posts
Cuffs

Emotional Vampires: Skills for Dealing with the Narcissist

Expert, Margaret Jacobson shares insights gained from Albert Bernstein's, book Emotional Vampires

Smooches

One-liners Guaranteed to Turn Up the Heat

Want some off the hook sex tonight? Use words as foreplay!

Make A Move

Forgiveness : The Most Important "F-Word".

Forgive so that the past no longer holds you back. It is time to move forward.

Ask The Experts

Have a dating or relationship question?
Visit Ask YourTango and let our experts and community answer.

Resources
How to find the right pro for you
10 Reasons Mental Health Pros Should Join YourTango Experts

10 Reasons Mental Health Pros Should Join YourTango Experts

YourTango Experts can help your business go from good to great.

10 Steps To Improve Your Coaching Business

Take your coaching business from mediocre to great in no time…

Frequently Asked Questions About YourTango Experts

Thinking of joining? Here's all the facts you need to know to make the most of your membership.

Getting Your Guy To Join You In A Therapy Or Coaching Session

So how can your get your strong, self-reliant, superman to talk to an Expert with you?

Therapist/Counselors: Who We Are & What We Do

What exactly does a therapist/counselor do and can they really help?

See more resources>
HOT STUFF!
FROM OUR PARTNERS