Think "winning" an argument means always being right? ... WRONG!
Want to never "lose" another argument ever again? I've discovered that reconnecting to your personal purpose when conflict crops up is the secret to understanding how to rise above the energy of a fight, and bring about a win-win resolution.
I've certainly had my share of fights in my life. Whether with family, colleagues, friends, or a significant other, fighting always seemed inevitable. After struggling with this for far too many years, I finally learned how to step out of the energy-sapping cycle of fighting and into the peace that comes along with finding your purpose in communicating.
I started by asking myself the question, "What is my purpose in wanting to communicate with this other person?"
Some common themes for me are:
- To connect
- To feel understood
- To explain
Do any of these resonate with you?
So, how do we connect with someone, feel understood, and explain ourselves in a peaceful way, while also avoiding conflict and fighting?
First, ask yourself these questions, either before you choose to engage in an argument, or if you're already in the thick of one:
- What issue of mine is showing up in this conflict that I need to take responsibility for?
- Am I assigning judgment/blame to myself or the other person in a hardcore way?
- Does this same issue or conflict keep showing up for me over and over again?
In answering these questions for myself, I've had to make a few shifts in perspective about fighting that have been incredibly helpful. These shifts now assist my understanding about why fighting occurs in the first place, and how to rise above fighting, in order to share my true purpose—to connect, feel understood, and explain.
Instead of focusing on making my point, I now choose to rely on these 3 personal shifts in perspective to help me share my purpose in a constructive way when difficulties present themselves:
1. I see myself as a "mirror" for others. Likewise, other people are a mirror for me. I understand that the reason conflict arises is because there is something in me or the other person (or both) that needs healing and/or resolving.
I often see something in others that is actually true about me. When someone is showing up as stubborn, difficult, or unreasonable, it is an opportunity to search for those same aspects in myself. By identifying those aspects in myself, I choose to make the changes necessary to resolve them.
2. I stay nuetral. I now take the neutral stance that there is no "right" or "wrong." Every perspective is valid, whether I agree with it or not.
I've definitely come to realize that all personal truth is relative. Whatever is true for me might not ring true for someone else. I have unique life experiences, values, beliefs, and perspectives that shape my life choices. It's just not likely or reasonable to expect everyone else to draw the same conclusions about life based on their very different and unique circumstances.
3. I recognize patterns. I know from my own experience that, if I avoid the root issue of a conflict, it will continue to show up as a pattern in conflicts with other people over and over again.
Looking back, I now recognize patterns of conflict in friendships and relationships that I've had over the years. Each time the same conflict would show up, I would just fight my way through it. Now, when I see a pattern I understand it as a clear sign that there is something in me needing healing or resolution. Getting to the root cause once-and-for-all stops the pattern from repeating.
I've learned that fighting and conflict are actually not necessary at all. I don't focus on things like winning arguments, getting my way, or judging the other person. I now realize that all conflict shows up because there is just something that needs healing or resolving in one or both of us.
The truly guaranteed way for me to connect, feel understood, and explain myself is by shifting my perspective so that the other person can do the same. This allows us both to share our purpose in communicating in the easiest, most effective way. It's a win-win for everyone.
Dr. Joshua Kai, ND works worldwide helping people to achieve their best life possible. Contact Dr. Kai for more information about his personal Life Coaching, Mentoring, and Counseling, which can help you achieve your goals and put you on your path to success. Also now available, Dr. Kai's latest book "The Quantum Prayer: An Inspiring Guide to Love, Healing, and Creating the Best Life Possible".