There are some things that you just can't change ...
Everyone wants a great sex life, but few people know how to achieve it and even fewer know how to maintain it in a long-term relationship. Couples try new positions and look for "sexy" things to wear. They try to improve their communication and relationship skills. But to really have a really hot sex life you have to know the secrets of what it means to be male and female. And learn the dance of creative connection.
There are basically FIVE basic biological realities of men and women that you need to understand for a lifetime of passion:
1. The Marketplace Is a Bad Place for Sex Education
There are “boy” things and “girl” things. We are not unisex beings no matter how politically correct we try and be. However, what the salesmen of the world tell us about the essence of gender is not to be trusted. When I got my first bicycle and was told the "boy bikes" had a bar across and the "girl" bikes didn’t, I rebelled. I was well aware that boys had vulnerable sex parts that hung down in front and that riding a bike could be a dangerous activity (particularly when learning). It was obvious to me that bouncing off the seat onto a hard metal bar was not good for my boy parts and I would be much safer having a bike with a scoop in front.
Bottom line: I did get teased for riding my bike, and I learned to stand up for my own male essence. We need to stand up for who we really are as males and females.
2. Understand Why Sperm Are From Males, Eggs Are From Females
There is a lot of confusing talk about "males" and "females" these days, but it’s important to remember that biologists have a very clear and specific definition. Whether they are studying ferns, fish, or human beings, males are the ones who produce lots of small gametes (sex cells) and females are the ones who produce a smaller number of larger gametes.
Nature has worked it out for the small gametes to fuse with the large gametes to begin the process of creating the next generation. Since it’s easier to move the small gametes to the large ones, rather than vice versa, it is the sperm that seeks out the egg and must then be "chosen."
How big are eggs compared to sperm? Although the human egg is microscopic, it's large enough to house 250,000 sperm. Eggs weigh 85,000 times as much as sperm.
Bottom line: Biologically speaking eggs (and women) are the more valuable resource. Sperm (and men) are more expendable.
3. Males Are Roving Inseminators. Females Are Wily Choosers
Compared with what is invested in making great big eggs, we don’t invest much in the small little sperms. Likewise all female mammals, including women, invest enormous resources in their offspring after fertilization occurs. Think building a placenta, pregnancy, birthing, breast feeding, and rearing. Compared with males, who have little to do with the actual business of reproduction, beyond producing sperm packaged in seminal fluid.
We all know that men are more physically competitive than women (again, remember that I’m talking about most men and most women. Some women could stomp my butt in physical competitions). Thirty-five years ago, a young evolutionary biologist at Harvard University, Robert Trivers, postulated that sexual competition is a replay of fertilization itself.
Bottom line: Numerous males, like small, hyperactive sperm, compete among themselves for access to females.
4. Males Are Drawn to Multiple Partners, Women Prefer One at a Time
Here’s a well-known story that illustrates this propensity in men. President Calvin Coolidge and his wife were touring a model farm during the 1920s. While the president was elsewhere, the farmer proudly showed Mrs. Coolidge a rooster that "could copulate with hens all day long, day after day." Mrs. Coolidge coyly suggested that the farmer tell that to Mr. Coolidge, which he did.
The president thought for a moment and then inquired, "With the same hen?"
"No, sir," replied the farmer. "Tell THAT to Mrs. Coolidge," retorted the president.
Bottom line: Because a man may be drawn to having sex with multiple partners, it doesn’t mean he must act on his desire and not all men have the desire. But if you’re going to have great sex, you have to accept the biological roots of our desire.
5. Emotional Attachment is the Key to Great Sex and Lasting Love
If you want great sex and love that lasts forever and never gets boring, there are some things you need to know that most of us have never learned. Forget about learning how to argue better. Forget about analyzing your early childhood experiences and how you’ve been wounded. Forget about experimenting with new sexual positions or finding new sex toys.
Instead, get to the emotional underpinnings of your relationship by recognizing that you are emotionally attached to and dependent on your partner in much the same way that a child is on a parent for nurturing, soothing, and protection. This is the key to a great sex and love life.
Bottom line: But most of us are still under the mistaken belief that "real men" and "real women" must put away childish attachments and "grow up." We know that children won't flourish without nurturing, touch and affection from their parents. Well, adults need the exact same things.
This article was originally published at Scribd. Reprinted with permission from the author.