From tightly pursed lips to doggy-style slobber, here are 5 ways to ruin a hot makeout session.
If you are single and dating, you might understand what it's like to kiss a few frogs. If you're looking for love sometimes, you've got to kiss more than a few. I understand; I've kissed more than my share of men who didn't kiss like real men. They kissed like lizards and bologna sandwiches, metaphorically speaking. So, lets hop to it and get this bad kissing party started. Then we need to get our dating calendar and fill it will men who are great kissers!
1. The Lizard Kiss. This one was from long long ago, thankfully. I wanted to completely block the memory of this doozie of a bad kiss, but still, to this day, it haunts my brain. It was almost like this guy shape-shifted into a lizard, but retained soft human lips. When my lips touched his, a quickly moving, up and down tongue came out and I didn't know what to do andI didn't think it would ever stop. Now I know what it feels like to be a fly and I really empathize with them now — the poor things.
2. The Bologna Sandwich Kiss. I got this line from romantic comedy when I was down with the flu. I'm so glad I was sick that weekend so I can share this line in my own words from my own personal kissing experience. "I'm serious. Kissing him was like kissing a bologna sandwich." I laughed out loud at this one, because it perfectly described what it was like to kiss him. His tongue was lifeless and when it was moving, it was flopping around with no direction.
3. The Dirty Dog Kiss. This one surprised me a little. He seemed so suave and had the softest, slickest black hair. He had all the right moves in the beginning. I'm not sure exactly what happened, maybe he was getting in touch with his inner Labrador Retriever? It went from a delicious seductive kiss, to him licking the Burt's Bee lotion off my face; I had to sanitize and moisturize after that one. And to top it all off, all of my dog treats came up missing!
4. The Black Hole Kiss. I almost didn't make it out of this one alive! When he came in to make his move, his mouth was opened as much as someone experimenting with a wind tunnel. He not only engulfed my lips and my chin, but his lips almost covered my entire nose. I was literally gasping for air, it was so horrible. I thought that no kiss could ever be as bad as this one.
5. No-Heart Kiss. This is a tricky one here because the No-Heart kisser has all the right moves, so it can be very deceiving. His techniques are so good that you might think there is something there, like an almost-chemistry. His lips feel great on yours yet there is just something missing. This is the guy who has read every article on the Art of Kissing website and countless other books on kissing. His lips have a message for you: there is no real feeling, connection or no heart whatsoever.
A friend of mine also went out with the bologna sandwich guy and she thought he was a great kisser. However, we just didn't connect. You may have some bad kissing experiences like these but don't let them scar you for life; your lips and your hearts just didn't jive.
There are plenty of good men out there; there are men out there who want to kiss you like no one has ever kissed you before. There are men out there who want to rock your socks off and love you for being you. There are men out there who want your decorative plates to rumble off the wall when you think about kissing him again on the second date.
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