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Don't give up yet.
By Deb Boulanger — Written on Dec 15, 2019
I’m high on love right now. And I never thought I could feel this way. I know it sounds cliché, but at 60 years old, I’ve done a lot of living — and a lot of loving. I’ve also made some pretty big mistakes, including giving up on the idea of a soulmate, finding true love, and living a happy life.
I’ve been married to a narcissist. Chased after unavailable men. Fallen in love with men who had fallen in love with me, and felt like I had settled. But because I am me, and I have a perpetual optimism about all that is good, I held out. It was scary.
Approaching 60 and still being single was like jumping without a net. The whole time, though, there was a little voice inside of me that said, “He’s there.”
In July of last year, I started riffing about “my man” in my journal. I decided to write down what kind of man I wanted in my life and if I would ever learn how to find love. After all, if you don't know what you want, how can the universe draw you together?
“The man in my life knows he is enough. He knows his worth and is not afraid to show it," I wrote. "When we meet, we immediately recognize each other. We see it, we feel it, and my entire body will vibrate with the clarity of that knowing. There is nothing I need to do to find him. We are in each other already and the universe will take care of the rest. I will simply show up in my life, and he will be there."
He would be a man and make the first move. He would take me by the elbow. “Excuse me,” he'd say. “But I can’t help but feel we know each other and if we don’t, we are meant to. When can we have a few private moments to chat?”
I knew it. I felt it. I owned it. And so it went. I would add to this vision of this man I was creating — the perfect soulmate for me.
Then, after a series of "one and done" dates, I became impatient. Impatience is something that approaching birthdays can do to you. Frustrated, I told the universe, "I want my man by my birthday.” Boom. Done. Ultimatum time.
My birthday was coming up on October 9th. It was October 4th when I stumbled across the profile for “GroundedKindaGuy.” I could use a grounded kinda guy in my life, so I read on, checking off the mental list of things I expected in a man.
Meditates. Devoted dad. Plays the bass. Lives in New York. His profile read, "I won't know you are interested unless you message me." So, I said “Yes.” That’s it.
One word. And my entire world changed. When it was time, the universe delivered.
I can barely describe this feeling because it is still all so new, and it keeps deepening, expanding, growing and changing. It’s incredibly good.
I am deeply loved and completely seen. And I love this man like no other. This love permeates our every day. It gives us energy, vibrancy, and resilience in all that comes our way. Now we are riffing on big dreams together — there’s a houseboat in there somewhere in a warm and enchanted place, a trip to Rome and an easeful life.
If you are experiencing this kind of love, you know what I mean. I couldn't be happier for you.
But you might be getting in your own way when it comes to finding this deep, soulful, expansive kind of love.
Maybe you're not making time for relationships, or repeating patterns of the past that have led to failure. You could be looking for the wrong partners, or even committing to the wrong relationships.
Stop that now! Time is moving way too quickly to waste another moment of your precious time on this planet without the one who adores you. I truly hope that your next relationship to be as luscious and love-filled as mine.
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Debra Boulanger is a life coach and creator of The Great Do-Over Retreats, where she coaches clients in the basic tenants of how to clear away doubt and fear and live a courageous life.