As a relationship coach, I'm on the front lines every day hearing all the latest and most common ways that otherwise good people mess up their intimate relationships. While there are a million stories in the big city, the truth is that breakups usually tend to fall into a few primary categories. Sometimes there are even multiple issues that overlap. That's the beauty of pattern recognition. So for ease of reading and maximum reach, I decided to catalog a list of some of the most common forms of self-sabotage out there.
Now before you accuse me of blaming women for all breakups, just know that I have a top 10 list of ways that men also self-sabotage relationships that will be posted soon — and they are about as different as the genders themselves. We all have our own unique challenges related to the way we see and interact with the world around us. The good news is that a lot of it could be avoided if more people became conscious of the huge differences in how men and women navigate the world. That's why I do what I do and help so many good people turn their love lives around for good. So here they are in no particular order, the 10 Biggest Mistakes Women Make In Relationships:
1. You Don't Know Your Own Value
This might be one of the most common areas where I work with my female clients. Do you chase after the bad boys who treat you poorly and only want them more? Are you attracted to all the unavailable guys? Are you afraid to ask for what you want? Do you put up with nonsense expecting that "one day" it will magically change? If so, welcome to the club — you are far from alone. You, my dear, do not know your value. The truth is that there are only two fears in the human condition: one is that you're "not enough," and two is that you won't be loved. Let's be clear: this will keep you single until it changes. Ironically, the thing that will keep you stuck here for years or even decades is that no man can really respect a woman who will allow him to treat her so shabbily, so this truly is a self-inflicted wound. I'm sorry for being so blunt, but the truth will set you free — even if it makes you angry or defensive first. If that's the case, don't bother getting mad at me. I cared enough to level with you so you can actually have all the love you truly deserve.
2. You Over-Rely On Your Masculine Energy
Many of my clients are highly successful women and well known in their communities. They're doctors, lawyers, executives and entrepreneurs, but they can't attract — or keep — a man. Ironically, their success is oftentimes a result of the fact that deep inside, these women also have huge doubts about their self value. (Do you see a theme here?) In fact, it's their over-compensation that often leads to their success. The problem only gets dramatically worse if they're divorced or are single parents because in order to be the sole provider or protector, too, their entire day is spent living in their masculine, achiever energy. While that may be effective in paying the bills, when you spend too much time there, it's nearly impossible to transition out of that and re-embrace your feminine energy again. The fact is, if you can do it all by yourself, a man will look at you and see no role for himself; unless, of course, he's looking for a sugar mama. I definitely don't recommend that arrangement either. If you think it doesn't sound so bad, re-read item #1.
3. You Simply Don't Get Or Understand Men
Women who understand how men work and appreciate them for their masculine gifts have a way of kissing frogs and turning them into princes. Likewise, women who are jaded, frustrated or have been burned too many times can kiss a good man and turn him into a frog. The fact is, women are far more complex and men are fairly simple creatures who actually are pre-wired to want to serve you — if you know how to inspire them. Bottom line, most of my clients' success comes when I teach them specifically how to understand and appreciate men so they can bring out their best, rather than suffer through their worst. I can teach you how to make a man crazy about you and then condition his behavior to treat you like his queen. Of course, that's assuming you want to do what it takes to be his queen.
4. You Try To Change Him Or Don't Accept Him As He Is
There's nothing that turns off a man like meeting a woman he's trying to impress and then having her immediately try to turn him into her latest "project" that she's going to fix. Maybe it's criticizing the way he dresses, insulting his table manners, or ridiculing his appearance or grooming habits. Women have a way of doing that because they tend to be caretakers by nature but frankly, it usually doesn't end well for either party, and it just feels bad all the way around. At best, unrequested suggestions are usually unwelcome. At worst, they're insulting and emasculating. People want to be seen, heard and appreciated for who they are; if you feel the need to change him with your complaints, ridicule, teasing or even unrequested "helpful hints," let me ask you a question. How would you like it if he did that to you? Enough said.
5. You Don't Really Appreciate What Men Do For You
On the other extreme of women not knowing their value, are the self-centered women who seemingly believe they are "owed" something. They are not grateful that a man opted to spend his time, talent and treasure with her. In fact, they have an attitude of entitlement. You may be surprised how many women stay in relationships with men — or even multiple men — for the gifts and prizes. It's also not unheard of for women to accept free dinners, order the most expensive things on the menu and then disappear or be busy when a man tries to ask them out again. If you think the term "gold digger" sounds bad, consider how it feels to be on the receiving end of that kind of behavior. Ladies, you're not the only one who can develop trust issues. If you've treated a man this way before, just know that some of your dating struggles might be dating karma coming back to you. Taking advantage of others for your own gain is not only unattractive — it's indefensible.
6. You Don't Share Your Gifts
The gift of the masculine sex is his ability to protect and provide. In fact, he takes great pride in it and will oftentimes even willingly risk his health or life in order to do that effectively. In fact, elderly men who seemingly "lose their purpose" or ability to provide as effectively after retirement may spiral into depression, suffer anxiety or even die prematurely when they no longer feel "needed." Those two things are that hard-wired into masculine energy that they are a matter of life and death. So what, you may ask, is the gift of the feminine sex? The essence of femininity is the innate desire to nurture, caretake or look after your man. It's about reciprocation and putting one another first. If you're not doing that, you're more interested in taking than giving, and healthy relationships aren't about taking. They're about giving. You need to figure out what exactly you bring to the table for him and then understand his love language to see whether he even values what you're offering. Keep reading...
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