Yes, soulmates are real ... but only if you have realistic expectations.
Are you over 40 and still hoping to find your soulmate? Maybe you're divorced and want to find true love this time around, or you thought you found the love of your life and feel confused. Perhaps you haven't met the right man yet.
Whatever your romantic circumstance, finding love again is possible.
First, let's get on the same page about soulmates. There are as many definitions about the term as there are people. Some think you only get one soulmate for life. Once you find that person, if you lose them—you're done.
As a dating coach for women, I find this ridiculous. I prefer a broader definition, which says a soulmate can be a family member, close friend, or a lover.
Thinking you only get one soulmate is too limiting. In our continuously evolving society, having more than one great love is possible and probable. Think about it: if you grew up in the 60s or 70s, your parents stayed together and had one marriage. They lived in one house and your dad probably had one life-long job.
Today, this is rare. So, why would you think you only get one soulmate in a world where things constantly change? Hopefully, this broader definition opens your mind to finding your next soulmate.
Now, let's look at the qualities of a soulmate:
- Attraction is over the top
- You really get each other
- You have so much in common
- The two of you are meant for each other
- It feels like you've known each other forever
- You're two peas in a pod
- You finish each other's sentences
- The conversation goes so deep that it's intense
- The bliss is boundless
- You're perfect together
- You've been together in a past life
1. You must have realistic criteria for a soulmate.
If you are still looking for your soulmate in midlife, maybe it's time to rethink your criteria. Could something else be going on? Sometimes women's standards are so high, no man could jump that bar, so your search becomes endless.
Where did the idea come from that your soulmate is perfect? Truth is, there are no perfect people; everyone is human and flawed.
Imagine you meet a man who seems like your soulmate, but as time passes you notice things that turn you off. That's a signal you might be sabotaging your relationships and keeping yourself single by requiring perfection.
Instead of looking for the perfect person, consider a man who is perfect for you. That is completely different. You can have things in common and feel connected, yet allow him his humanness, which is much more realistic.
2. Don't mistake hot chemistry for a sign you've found "the one."
As a dating coach for 10+ years, I've spoken to many singles that mistakenly confuse attraction for soulmate potential. Hot chemistry is extremely exciting, but not the most accurate sign of compatibility.
In fact, chasing chemistry leads you astray, as you are repeatedly attracted to the same kind of person who disappoints you when things don't work out.
3. Should you settle for Mr. Good Enough?
In 2010, Lori Gottlieb published Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough. I was an immediate fan. Lori shared details of how she passed up quality guys thinking someone better would come along. Then she turned 40, was still single, and bummed out.
Lori worked with a dating coach to unravel beliefs that kept her isolated. She recognized how her standards were unrealistic. She thought about the men she left and realized how she passed up some great guys.
Lori understood that "Mr. Good Enough" is not about settling for less than she deserved. She needed to think realistically about men and understand that no partner is perfect.
I'm not suggesting you should settle; you deserve a fabulous guy. Just be aware there will always be things that annoy you. Balance those with his good qualities to discover the true long-term potential.
4. Soulmates are NOT magical.
Lastly, I want to talk about magical thinking. Your soulmate will not magically appear; you must date a number of men to find a good match.
Every relationship is unique and each man will bring out a different side of you. That's what I learned on my journey, dating 30 men in 15 months to meet the man I married. It's up to you to pick the best match from the pool of applicants.
You can wait if you want. That is a choice, but not your only one. When you find a man you can talk to, respect, and enjoy spending time with, these are the makings of a strong relationship.
Don't overlook this man thinking your soulmate is better. Chances are, he is your soulmate, so hang on and appreciate him for all he's worth.
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