Sometimes the best way to communicate is to just listen up.
Recently I've had the pleasure of explaining the power of great communication to several male clients. There are three simple words that act like magic to boost a woman's libido; it's valuable relationship advice for both men and women to understand.
A side note before I go further — when I broach this topic with clients, I always tell them I'm about to give them Super Powers (since aphrodisiacs can definitely translate into more sex), so I need them to swear they'll only use this power for good. I'll say the same thing to you, my readers. Thanks in advance for your honest integrity.
Are you ready to hear those three words? They're: Tell Me More. Not what you thought, huh? It's not something men typically say to one another, but it's definitely something a woman enjoys hearing. Here's why:
Men generally talk to:
- Convey facts and information
- Discuss a problem they've worked on, and are now looking for input and a solution for it
Women generally talk to:
- Convey facts and information
- Explore, discover and feel confident about what she wants to say (thinking out loud)
- Create intimacy with other people
- Find out how other people feel about them — and are feeling in general
- Process and center their emotions to feel better
Imagine a woman's stress as a full glass of water — completely filled to the brim with her feelings. The way most women release this stress is to talk about what's bothering them. If the stressed woman is talking to another woman, she'll get lots of time to explore her feelings because instinctually, the other woman knows this is what makes her stressed friend feel better.
If the stressed woman is talking to a man, it's often a different story. The man is probably more action-oriented (most men are). He does want to make the woman feel better, so, when he hears her talking about a problem, he'll most likely offer a solution. Ironically, this often has the opposite effect. It doesn't make her feel better; even worse, she might get mad.
Here's an example. Your wife/partner comes home and says, "Oh, the traffic was so awful it took forever to drive home." If she were a man she would either be sharing the news or asking for a solution. The man's initial instinct is to either say, "Oh" as an acknowledgment, or offer a solution such as "Why don't you take a different route?", "Didn't you listen to the traffic report?" or "I just drove the same way and the traffic was fine."
For a man, these responses would work great. However, she's not a man — she's a woman. So, if you offer the above response, your wife/partner is likely to say angrily/impatiently/defensively, "You don't understand how awful it was!", "That's not helpful!" or "You're not listening!"
Her "glass" is full to the brim, there isn't any room for a solution. Although the man's intention is to actively do something to help her feel better, "just listening" to her is like dipping a large spoon into the glass and taking out water. The good news is this begins to take the pressure of the stress away, and is exactly what helps her feel better. So the alternative to solving her problem is listening. When you speak, try saying things that express the sentiment of "tell me more," like "Hmmmm", "Oh my" or "Oh yeah". She'll feel better, and she'll know you care about how she's feeling. Keep reading...
For More Relationship Advice from YourTango:
- Why Men Are More Distant Than Women In Relationships
- A New Twist On The 80/20 Rule For Relationships
- Find A Relationship Expert