You're so excited! You have a first date. You've met him/her—through online dating or friends or work, etc. You've already emailed a bit, talked on the phone, and now—finally—you're going to sit across the table from each other and get acquainted. But by the end of the date, there's that familiar disappointment. What happened? Did he spend the entire night talking about themselves? Or was it like "pulling teeth" to get her to talk?
New coaching clients often tell me how awful their first date was. They say, "The other person did all of the talking and didn't seem interested in learning anything about me" or "I had to do all the talking and ask all the questions because getting them to talk was exhausting."
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When you have a great first date, it's usually because both people are able to find out about the other person and at the same time communicate things about themselves. Because how else will you know if you want to go out them with again? Learning a few simple techniques can help change these frustrating scenarios and ultimately lead to more great first dates.
Like I do for my clients—I’m going to give you super powers, which actually means insight into how the other person thinks. The only thing I ask in return is that you only use these super powers for the good.
Looking at a first date from his point of view. Men often tell me their first dates feel like job interviews. The woman asks a lot of questions about his life, job, hobbies, family, etc. Typically, the man feels obligated to answer all these questions. He wants her to learn important information about him so she'll consider him for a second date. He also thinks it's impolite to interrupt her questions to ask some of his own.
So ladies, here is one of those super powers (and remember, you promise to only use this for the good)—if a man has asked you out for a date that means he's attracted to you. However, he doesn't necessarily assume you're attracted to him—he thinks he needs to impress you (by answering all your questions) so you'll want to go out with him again.
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As a dating and relationship coach at The Perfect Catch, I appreciate that men are frustrated by those first dates where women ask so many questions. It does feel more like a job interview than a date! To reduce this frustration, I try to explain to these men how women think and feel, and how this affects their first date behavior:
- Women talk to feel connected.
- Women ask questions because they're genuinely interested in finding out more about the men.
- Women ask questions often with the expectation that the man will ask them some of the same questions. Men are surprised to hear this. That's because, as a man, he thinks if she had something to say she would just say it (because that's what he does).
Once men clearly understand these basic principles, they're better able to create a successful dating strategy.