Have you ever tried to convince a man to do more in your relationship, only to see him pull further away from you? There's a smart way to communicate with a man and motivate him to invest in your relationship — without any convincing at all.
When you're frustrated that you're doing more than your fair share in a relationship, do you feel the need to take action and try to talk the man you're with into giving more? Sure you do — most women react the same way. And you don't need me to tell you that most men will resist your efforts.
That's because of something I call "the convincer". When you try to talk a man into doing what you want, he will naturally become "the resister". It's human nature.
Your convincing is a turn off for him, because he'll feel like he's being forced rather than making his own decision to invest in the relationship. If you really want to get a man to start putting in more effort, memorize these three key elements.
COMMUNICATION SECRET #1: Truly Listen
In order for a man to respect your feelings and needs, he needs to feel safe to share his true feelings with you. And the way to do that is to show him you’re not just venting your feelings but rather truly interested in what he has to say.
Men — just like women — need to feel like it’s okay to have their feelings, and that they will be heard and respected. And when they realize their partner isn’t really listening or interested in who they truly are or how they truly feel, they will start to shut off bit by bit.
So, approach difficult conversations with a spirit of negotiation. Understand that he has his own reasons for feeling the way he does, and listen with the intent of reaching an agreement that pleases both of you. This kind of listening makes a man feel most comfortable to open up and respond with a deeper level of thought, care and honesty.
COMMUNICATION SECRET #2: Quiet the Criticism
There’s something absolutely critical you need to get about men if you want to enjoy a lasting relationship that feels easy and like a fit for you and for the man you're with. It's this: men do not respond to criticism in relationships. Now, this might sound obvious; but women often accidentally end up criticizing a man in an effort to make the relationship better. You'll say, "I think we need to do more romantic things together," and all he'll most likely hear is, "You're a lousy boyfriend."
In the end, even subtle criticism will motivate a man to distance himself from you and see your relationship as a negative place he needs to get away from in order to feel better about himself.
When you think about it, criticism is just one way to try and create change and to motivate someone (a man) to do something differently.
Can you think of a more effective way of communicating that will get you the response you really want in your relationship? Let me tell you about a way that works magic with a man ...
COMMUNICATION SECRET #3: Show Appreciation
A man wants to be respected for his thoughts and actions, and the way you communicate this to him is by showing appreciation.
So start noticing the different ways he makes you happy, and thank him for it — often. Acknowledge even the smallest things he does that you like. Show him how he adds to your life, rather than focusing on the things that bother you. Don’t worry about him thinking that you’re faking your appreciation; just genuinely be grateful for the good things he does, and he will be more inclined to keep doing them. When a man does not feel he is contributing positively to your life, his attraction for you wanes; and it will be much more difficult for him to stay engaged in the relationship.
Appreciation is the fuel that feeds a man's passion for you and makes him not want to leave your side. Start showing him the appreciation he needs, and you'll find yourself with a man who starts showing up in your relationship ... wholeheartedly.
When you genuinely listen to a man, avoid making him feel wrong, and make a point of letting him know when he does things right, you will make him feel understood, respected and appreciated. He'll feel that he is making a positive difference if your life, and this will give him a sense of purpose that will encourage him to give even more of himself to the relationship and, in turn, to you.
If you've ever wanted to know what a man really thinks about dating and commitment, subscribe to Christian's free e-newsletter. He'll reveal the kind of qualities a man can't help falling for in a woman and what it takes to make him give up his "single" freedom for the love of just one woman … for the long term.
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