The Five Most Important Things I Learned From the World’s Greatest Sexperts
A few years ago I was in an 'energy sex' workshop that was being co-taught with my life and business partner, Sheri Winston, and the charming and talented, Reid Mihalko. Sheri was sitting in a chair and Reid puts his index fingers in her ears, "tunes into her frequency", he said and started sending energy through his fingers into her ears.
Moments later, her body starts shaking and quaking. She was having full-on energy multiple orgasms.
Welcome to Sex World.
It’s a universe I’ve been inhabiting since Sheri and I got together a few years ago. And what a fascinating world it is! So much so, actually, that a few years ago I had a bright idea—interview the world’s best sex teachers and turn it into a book. I reached out to the best of the best, got a great response—and as of about a week ago, I birthed a book: Secrets of the Sex Masters.
I’d expected mostly technical guidance, but that isn’t what I got. My sixteen 'sexperts' also turned out to be wisdom experts. They’re great at having amazing sex, teaching other people how to have amazing sex—and they’re also great at helping people lead amazing lives.
Here are the five most important things I learned from co-authoring Secrets of the Sex Masters:
It’s About Anatomy. Most people believe they know everything they need to know about the male and female body in order to have wonderful sex. Not so. Hard though it is to believe, our cultural maps of genital anatomy are incomplete and often inaccurate. There’s specialized knowledge here—in fact, Sheri won a national prize for her book Women’s Anatomy of Arousal because it broke new ground about female anatomy.
You’ll be much better at pleasing yourself—and others—if you’re fully informed about the equipment and how to operate it.
It’s About Connection. To have great sex, you need to be fully present. That’s not always easy. We have blocks, issues and shame. To be a sex master, you need to be willing to get totally naked. Taking your clothes off is the easy part.
But being a sex master isn’t only about connecting with others. It’s also about connecting to yourself in all your key quadrants—mind, body, heart and spirit.
Your erotic upside increases in direct proportion to how much of you shows up—in direct proportion to how much you’re ready, willing and able to connect.
It’s About Communication. Oh man, is it ever! Communication before, communication during, communication after. What are your safer sex requirements? What are your limits? What are your turn-ons and turn-offs? How do you tell your partner when something is or isn’t working? How do you manage aftercare once the physical sex is over? To be a sex master, you have to be a willing and skilled communicator.
This lies in the face of a cultural expectation that good lovers know what works. Guys don’t need to ask for directions, right? Nope. It's true that, when we’re in the flow, our intuition can be a great guide. It’s never infallible, though. Even when we’re in an amazing groove, it helps to get clear feedback and guidance.
How important is communication? Put it this way: The husband-and-wife team of Nina Hartley and Ernest Greene said, "It’s the first most important priority for great kinky play. And the second. And the third."
It’s About Resilience. Even for sex masters, things don’t always go right in the bedroom. Missteps, mishaps and sometimes even embarrassments happen. Sexpert after sexpert stressed the importance of going with the flow when this happens. The key word here is resilience—you need to learn how to manage painful feelings when they arise.
The bedroom isn’t a bubble where only magic happens. It’s where real life happens—and real life, as we all know, has its ups and downs.
Great lovers don’t let the downs send them tumbling off a cliff.
Our Potential for Pleasure Is Off the Chart. How much pleasure are we capable of? Way more than what's dreamt of in our usual cultural models.
Female orgasms that go on for hours.
Male non-ejaculatory orgasms that go on for, that’s right, hours.
Orgasms without physically touching your partner.
These are skills anyone can learn—and was there ever a more fun hobby than sex? The bedroom can deliver amazing pleasure—and it can also deliver an amazing life.