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8 Tips for Not Turning to Mush around Men

Love, Self

Successful dating is about being your authentic self, not hiding behind who you THINK you should be.

I hear women describe themselves in the same way over and over again, and I bet you can identify with it, too.

"I'm generally a very friendly, confident gal...unless I'm in the company of a single man—especially one I'm attracted to. In that case I turn into mush."

Why is it that when we meet or date attractive guys—even at 40, 50 or 60—we can become an Alien Woman from Planet WTF?

If you're anything like I was, sometimes it was hard to recognize the woman sitting in front of an attractive or available man.

When I was single I became this insecure, demure and seemingly unfriendly woman when I was in the company of available men. And that wasn't me AT ALL!

That silly behavior went back to my junior high school days when I got nervous around the cute and popular boys.

Our old habits can be hard to shake, can't they?

Here’s what I finally learned at 45: I was a grown-up woman, dammit. I knew who I was and what I wanted, and I was in charge of my life. I created my happiness. I knew how to get what I wanted.

And I wanted a man!

When I got hold of that reality and realized the key was to be the same woman when I dated as I was in the rest of my life, it all fell into place.

I stopped thinking I had to be something different around men. I stopped being scared of them. I realized the REAL me was the type of woman whom the good guys were attracted to.

I started meeting nice, fabulous men, and soon after I met Larry.

If this resonates with you, here are some things you can do (that helped me):


1. Be conscious and self-aware around men. Don't let your intellect stray too far.

2. Come up with questions you can ask to "check in" with yourself when you are around men. I got in the habit of simply asking myself, "Am I being the real me?"

3. Remind yourself that you are terrific and it does you no good to act like something you're not.

It doesn't make sense to be anything but your authentic (fabulous) self. She's the one you want the guy to be attracted to, right? But here's a tip: ya better know what's so great about you!

4. Nurture your grownup self. Make well-informed decisions that are best for you over the long term, not just for the moment or for today. Does it really do you good to give into your fear today when that one guy could turn out to be someone fantastic?

5. Remember that you have a goal of finding a good man to share your life, and the way you will attain that goal is to have courage and perspective. Be willing to put yourself out there and know you can take whatever comes your way. (A guy saying "no" to you isn't the worst thing that can happen to you. Not even close!)

6. Think of dating and finding love as one more thing you are doing to make yourself happy and better yourself—like taking an anthropology class, going to the spa, or planning a trip to Paris. I’m serious. Men can be fun, and this doesn’t have to seem like some freaky or incredibly foreign thing in your life.

7. While you look for Mr. I Love You, continue to enjoy your already full life and take care of yourself. If you're not doing this, get started NOW. The more you like yourself and your life, the more comfortable you'll feel connecting with confident and impressive men.

8. Think of meeting men and dating like anything else in your life. Figure out what you want and decide how you're going to get it.

Let the people you love support you. Talk to them, share your hopes, and let them help. Keep learning about yourself and about men. Keep growing.

Have fun, love yourself, and get out there so you can start meeting and dating with confidence. You are in charge, sister.
Now take this list and identify the two things that, if you did them, would most positively impact your ability to meet men and create a wonderful love life.

Write at least four ACTION steps you will take in the next two weeks. Maybe you'll commit to chatting up one man every day or to creating your check-in question. Maybe you'll list the wonderful things you have to offer or find out how you can learn more about becoming the confident woman you need to be.

I'm on your side. Send the action steps you choose to concentrate on to me in an email to bobbip [at] datelikeagrownup [dot] com so I can hold you accountable by following up with you.

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