8 Tips for Not Turning to Mush around Men


8 Tips for Not Turning to Mush around Men
Successful dating is about being your authentic self, not hiding behind who you THINK you should be.

I hear women describe themselves in the same way over and over again, and I bet you can identify with it, too.

"I'm generally a very friendly, confident gal...unless I'm in the company of a single man—especially one I'm attracted to. In that case I turn into mush."

Why is it that when we meet or date attractive guys—even at 40, 50 or 60—we can become an Alien Woman from Planet WTF?

If you're anything like I was, sometimes it was hard to recognize the woman sitting in front of an attractive or available man.

When I was single I became this insecure, demure and seemingly unfriendly woman when I was in the company of available men. And that wasn't me AT ALL!

That silly behavior went back to my junior high school days when I got nervous around the cute and popular boys.

Our old habits can be hard to shake, can't they?

Here’s what I finally learned at 45: I was a grown-up woman, dammit. I knew who I was and what I wanted, and I was in charge of my life. I created my happiness. I knew how to get what I wanted.

And I wanted a man!

When I got hold of that reality and realized the key was to be the same woman when I dated as I was in the rest of my life, it all fell into place.

I stopped thinking I had to be something different around men. I stopped being scared of them. I realized the REAL me was the type of woman whom the good guys were attracted to.

I started meeting nice, fabulous men, and soon after I met Larry.

If this resonates with you, here are some things you can do (that helped me):

1. Be conscious and self-aware around men. Don't let your intellect stray too far.

2. Come up with questions you can ask to "check in" with yourself when you are around men. I got in the habit of simply asking myself, "Am I being the real me?"

3. Remind yourself that you are terrific and it does you no good to act like something you're not.

It doesn't make sense to be anything but your authentic (fabulous) self. She's the one you want the guy to be attracted to, right? But here's a tip: ya better know what's so great about you!

4. Nurture your grownup self. Make well-informed decisions that are best for you over the long term, not just for the moment or for today. Does it really do you good to give into your fear today when that one guy could turn out to be someone fantastic?

5. Remember that you have a goal of finding a good man to share your life, and the way you will attain that goal is to have courage and perspective. Be willing to put yourself out there and know you can take whatever comes your way. (A guy saying "no" to you isn't the worst thing that can happen to you. Not even close!)

6. Think of dating and finding love as one more thing you are doing to make yourself happy and better yourself—like taking an anthropology class, going to the spa, or planning a trip to Paris. I’m serious. Men can be fun, and this doesn’t have to seem like some freaky or incredibly foreign thing in your life.

Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Bobbi Palmer

Dating Coach

The Dating and Relationship Coach for Women over 40 and founder of Date LIke a Grownup.
Register for Bobbi's free monthly webcasts Grownup Girls' Night Out: Let's Talk About Men! where she gives you tips and tools about dating, sex, relationships and more!


Location: Long Beach, CA
Credentials: Other
Specialties: Communication Problems, Dating/Being Single Support, Empowering Women, Wellness
Other Articles/News by Bobbi Palmer:

Why Midlife Sex Is The Best Sex


Can I make a few assumptions? If you’re reading this you are most likely a woman over 40, single and looking. You are probably dating, or hoping to. You are either nearing menopause, in menopause or post-menopausal. Taken together, here’s what that tells me: You are facing the prospect of having new sexual partners. After all, you have hopes of ... Read more

Let's Get Physical, Or Should We? 5 Tips For Midlife Dating


Wanna hear your body talk? If the idea of having sex in your 40s, 50s, 60s and beyond is intimidating, you are not alone. I get a lot of questions about the whats and hows of having sex “in this day and age” and at this stage of life. You crave intimacy, but the last thing you want is to sleep with a guy and get hung up like an 18-year-old. ... Read more

3 “Ah-Ha!” Differences Between Dating Men And Boys


If you are a single woman in her 40s, 50s or beyond, I have a question for you: When you look at yourself today, are you the same person you were in your 20s or 30s? Have many of your priorities changed? Has experience taught you new life skills and shifted your perspective on things you previously held as absolute truth? And what about when it comes to ... Read more

See More

Latest Expert Videos
Ask The Experts

Have a dating or relationship question?
Visit Ask YourTango and let our experts and community answer.

Most Popular