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Lasting connections rely on this kind of communication.
By Dr. Ava Cadell — Last updated on Jun 16, 2023
Communication is the real, honest-to-goodness relating that leads to genuine intimacy and a healthy bond between two people. And good communication leads to good sex that will only get better as a couple gets to know each other more deeply.
Communication is probably the most important aspect of any relationship, mainly because we are forever learning new things about it and new ways to do it. Thus, communication is an ongoing creative process that deserves our rapt attention.
Here are the three levels of communication you must achieve for marital bliss:
1. Positive communication
This "dating game" stage of a relationship, the first few months, should keep its focus on positive communication. Find out about each other. Use compliments to draw each other out. Focus on your commonalities and how they can enhance your relationship.
Talking is very important during this stage, but listening is just as vital. Rewarding each other with positive feedback, compliments, and reassurances can set the stage for closer contact. That is why it is complimentary to hold off a while before having sex. Get to know what each other likes first and savor the verbal foreplay.
2. Intimate communication
It can be difficult to talk about sex and physical intimacy because we aren't given courses in school on how to do it. And most likely, our parents didn't give us much help in this area either.
We go into relationships expecting our partners to know our needs by osmosis, and that's rather presumptuous, isn't it? How can we dare expect someone else to know where to touch us if we don't find a positive way to tell them? In love-making, we are totally on our own. Maybe that's why it can feel so difficult to express what you want and find out your partner's needs. But we may fear rejection or be afraid we can't measure up. No ironclad rules exist to fall back upon. We just have to "wing it."
And maybe that's a good thing if it opens us up to talk more freely. If you were lost in a foreign city, you would certainly seek out someone you could talk to and ask for directions. You would be just as vulnerable in that situation too.
Asking for directions in love-making is just part of getting where you want to go.
We aren't just dealing with erotic needs at this level, but erotic nurturing needs. If it feels scary to ask for erotic nurturing, first tell each other how much you respect each other and want to please each other. Ask what each other likes in the way of sex. Go slowly; the more time you take, the more excitement you build up and the more barriers you break down.
Tantalize your partner with the possibility you can fulfill each other's wildest dreams and fantasies.
Verbal foreplay is extremely important at this stage. You might say things like, "You look so inviting lying there like that" or "I love the admiration I see in your eyes right now; it makes me want to be so closely entwined with you."
Tell each other the little things that feel good or entice, such as "I love your bald head; it feels so slick and that's such a turn-on to me," or "It feels wild when you lightly finger-massage my back."
Give each other positive feedback during and after love-making. Feel free to ask that your needs be met; express what you need by saying things like, "I need to be held close after making love," or "I need you to stay overnight." And if your partner is reluctant to open up, ask, ask, ask in a gentle and loving way.
Ask what his deepest desires are and how you can meet them. And if that first love-making session isn't everything you want, tell each other in a positive way what turns you on and what doesn't.
Once two people have connected in an intimate way, the relationship changes course. We all feel more vulnerable after sex has entered the picture. The union either grows stronger at this point or interest in each other wanes.
If you can talk and be more open with each other, sexual intimacy goes to a deeper level and gets better and better. But if you emotionally distance each other, the relationship can end. For instance, if a man ceases to call a woman after they have had sex, she may feel used and abused.
It's better to tell her up front how you feel rather than leaving her thinking the worst of you. And fellows, if your lady backs away after that first sexual experience, try gently drawing her out a little more. Maybe the emotional intimacy is very strong and she may need reassurance. The point is, you can bring each other more closely together with intimate language.
3. Physical, mental, and spiritual communication
This is the deepest form of communication. At this level of your relationship, you are becoming attuned to each other's physical needs; you have that blissful mind-to-mind connection and you feel that soul-mate resonance.
But couples often revert to Level One at this point, because they've made the conquest or they're married by this point and don't feel a need to keep trying. It is of extreme value at this level to keep investing in the relationship, however. It is imperative to set aside one hour of communication time each day, to keep current on each other's needs and to know each other more deeply.
Don't take the relationship for granted just because you have secured each other.
Continue to do spontaneous little things for the one you love, and find out if he or she likes new adventures or new interests. One couple I know was together for five years before they discovered they both liked roller skating.
This added a new zest to their relationship, even to the point of making love in a motel near the roller rink and pretending they were teenagers being "naughty." You never know what surprises that one hour per day can bring you. And it can really secure your everlasting love for you, more so than presuming everything is okay. Your connection with each other will keep growing on all levels.
Moving beyond communication
The way to move beyond communication is through more communication. Then we no longer fear talking to each other. It becomes as natural as breathing. If we have feared rejection, intimacy, and inadequacy, and been able to talk about these very common problems and deal with them, then more and better communication can't hurt. It can only improve any situation.
Even if your partner tells you a little more than you wanted to know, that provides you with yet another topic for discussion. Then you can clear the air and move on. To move beyond communication is to have mastered the nuances, at least to a point.
You know what basic facial expressions and body language mean, you acknowledge them, and above all, you can talk about them. Don't always try to second-guess each other's body-language cues. Ask your partner if his or her nod means yes or no.
And if you or your partner "clams up," you may learn to give each other a wide berth until the time is right to talk. And if one of you needs to talk, one of you may need to listen. Communication is ongoing foreplay that keeps you in everlasting love.
RELATED: 7 Critical Things Couples With Good Communication Do Way Differently
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Dr. Ava Cadell is an author, clinical sexologist, sex counselor, and founder of Loveology University. Her mission is to empower people to overcome sexual guilt and shame so they can enjoy the benefits of healthy, sexual relationships.