3 Levels of Communication

Love, Sex

What communication is:

Communication is the real, honest-to-goodness relating that leads to genuine intimacy and a healthy bond between two people.  And, good communication leads to good sex that will only get better as a couple get to know each other more deeply. Communication is probably the most important aspect of any relationship, mainly because we are forever learning new things about it and new ways to do it.  Thus, communication is an ongoing creative process that deserves our rapt attention.  Webster's general meaning lets us know that communication is what hooks us up with each other.  Webster's dictionary says communication means "to share in or participate." 

So you see, if we don't communicate, we don't get our share and we can't give our best. Isn't it great that communication isn't confined to just words though?  That makes it so much more fun to explore this subject, especially when you want to have a new adventure with your partner, erotic or otherwise.  Communication is reflected in our voice tone, body movements, our speech patterns.  Communication is even conveyed by what we don't say sometimes.

Communication can be subtle too; you don't always have to be hit over the head with an anvil to get the point.  A partner's raised eyebrow may be sufficient to indicate a whole range of meanings, such as surprise, contempt, glee, superiority, or annoyance. Communication is easy in some of our relationships, difficult in others.  We have all known people who are "easy to talk to," and we all know people who are "hard to reach."  Maybe we communicate differently with these different folks. 

For instance, when I'm with an easy-to-talk-to person, I feel comfortable and tend to open up more.  And when I am talking with someone who has to be pried open like a clam, I may feel frustrated and challenged.  Some human beings have to work very hard at self- expression while others seem to have a natural gift-of-gab.  With this variety of humanity, communication can become a healthy adventure and help us open our locked-up desires.

Relationships that grow, evolve, and are the most emotionally and sexually fulfilling all have this secret ingredient binding them together.  Why is communication like a secret ingredient?  Because it involves opening up all our five senses, and then some.  To utilize this secret ingredient, we must be open to what information our senses are conveying and then translate that input into words.  There's the key word: Openness! Remember the magic words Ali Baba used in the Arabian Nights to open the door of the robbers' den so he could get to the treasures inside?  "Open sesame."  That fairy-tale term has become a modern buzzword for "gaining admission;" it is a secret password.  Ali Baba knew the secret of communication: be willing to use the password; be willing to "open."  Ali Baba didn't know all that he would find behind that door.  He didn't even know for sure if the password would work.  But he was open.  He might just as easily have said, "This is too scary," and walked away.

Communication can seem scary only because it is still rather unknown turf, like undeveloped real estate.  Yet it can become exciting if we think of ourselves as communication pioneers who are cultivating an empty lot.  After all, we have plenty of tools to work with, such as writing, talking, body language, and eye contact.  And more communications tools have been invented in the last century than ever before in history.  In fact, with the invention of "email," we can write love letters to each other many times daily, enhancing what couples did 50-to-100 years ago when mail was delivered twice a day.  So obviously we as a society want to open up and share ourselves with each other.  We want to "reach out and touch someone." Yet, how many times a day do we hear the term "communication breakdown"?  If the fax machine, the computer, and the portable-phone battery all go out at once, we panic.  Suddenly we are shut off from communication.  Now that's really scary; think about it.  It is better to have all the communication devices working and say-whatcha- gotta-say, than to be in the dark and not be able to connect at all. 

Good communication between people is much like having all the machinery working properly.  We make contact, even if we don't always score or if we don't always hear what we want to hear.  Many times though, we will hear even happier input than we expected.  That is why we run the risk of opening; that is why we ultimately try to communicate. Tom is a 40-year-old singer who can croon a tune, but gets tongue-tied when he tries to verbalize his everyday thoughts.  He met a lady named Dawn, and guess what?  Not only was it the dawning of a relationship, but the light-of-dawn went on in Tom's head too.  "We can talk!" he said to Dawn when he found the two of them could communicate effectively even if they often messed up their metaphors and mislaid information.

We think of communication as words, but it is really how and when those words are expressed.  Timing and effectiveness are everything.  The famous cartoon characters Tom & Jerry did a feature film a few years back, in which they both talked for the first time.  This well known cat-and-mouse duo both spoke up at once after they had been chased by bad-dude alley cats; Tom & Jerry needed each other.  "You talked!" these little


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