Are All Guys A**holes?
Are All Guys A**holes?
Are All Guys A**holes?
** Don't miss your chance to chat with Amber on the YourTango Facebook page this Thursday, September 29th at 2pm ET. Find out more about the event and RSVP here! **
It all started when I was a baby — this innate distrust of men. Out in public, I would find a random man, point my finger at him and scream like he was Jesus and I was crucifying him for all the possible crimes a man might commit against a woman. As if my pacifier was a crystal ball, I just knew.
In kindergarten they chase you around the playground with sticks. In high school they ditch you right before the prom. By college, it's the not calling, the commitment dodging, and the general insensitivity. Then, if you're "lucky" you marry one ... just to have him cheat on you, and complain about you to the fellas. How Control Cuts Off Communication
On paper, it looks a little ridiculous. But it's the question in the back of many girls' minds: "Are all guys assholes?" Maybe it's not always that blatant, but it's still the undercurrent of our relationship assumptions and concerns. Many of us have a deeply ingrained belief that guys:
- just want sex,
- want to avoid commitment, and
- aren't as emotionally invested in their relationships as women.
But these assumptions couldn't be further from the truth. Guys are way more vulnerable than they act, want sex less than you'd think, deeply value their relationships, and, assuming they find the right girl, they want to commit. When a guy falls in love, he falls hard, and when a serious relationship ends, he's a freakin' mess. The Monogamy Myth: Nothing Lasts Forever
These facts are based on statistics I collected after talking to over 1,000 guys about sex and relationships. For my book, Are All Guys Assholes?, I flew around the country and approached guys in fast food spots, office courtyards, parks, coffee shops, bars, sporting events, house parties, art shows … you name it and I was probably harassing guys there. In 10 different cities I asked them to fill out a confidential and anonymous 40-question survey, then spoke with many of them at length about women, love, and dating.
Some raw data:
- 73% said their primary interest in women was finding someone to have a long-term relationship with.
- Only 8% said their primary interest in women was sex.
- Over 99% said they would want to be in a relationship if the right girl came along.
- 95% said they want to get married someday.
- 96% of guys in serious relationships said they prioritize their girlfriend at least as much — if not more — than their pals.
While these numbers stand in stark contrast with much of what we think we know about men, the fact is that this "all guys are assholes" business has just been pounded into our skulls our entire lives. Movies, TV shows, books, magazines, even newspapers are filled with stories and characters that display guys' unwillingness to commit and perpetual eagerness to get laid.
Dating books are the worst. They explain elaborate rules a girl needs to follow in order to convince a guy to be in a relationship, or theorize about the "biological urges" responsible for men's insatiable desire for sex. But these "dating gurus" overlook the simple fact that guys aren't actually jerks, even if they do play ones on TV. Don't Let Attraction Blind You To Dating Dealbreakers
I would never have guessed that so many of the guys I surveyed were looking for girlfriends. They all put on a macho front when I handed them the survey, saying things like, "Oh it's about sex, hell yeah!" Or, "Is this going to help me get laid?" But their private answers told a much different story than their public words. The sad reality is, our idea of what's "manly" in the relationship realm is connected with being an asshole. And though deep down we don't want guys to be assholes, when a guy acts sensitively he risks being (or at least feeling) emasculated.
So here is the ironically twisted truth of it all: guys will talk as though they're macho, sex-hungry, and relationship averse because they want to look like "Alpha Males" so that you will want to be their girlfriend. It's annoying, counter-intuitive, and even a little shameful — because as women we've sent them the message to act this way as much as everyone else.
But the truth is, guys aren't actually that bad. And though men and women may act very differently on the outside, on the inside, we're all pretty much the same. 5 Warning Signs That Mr. 'Nice Guy' Will Break Your Heart
Like this article? Learn more about what guys are really thinking in Amber Madison's book, Are All Guys Assholes? Confused about a dating situation? Determine if the guy you’re dating is an A-Hole using the A-Hole Tester App built off the data collected for her book. For more information visit: www.AreAllGuysAssholes.com