Every day, couples end up in my office, struggling with a myriad of issues. While no two partners or problems are exactly the same, one unifying factor remains…loss of spark. After a thorough assessment of what’s lacking in the relationship, an intimacy disconnect is always at the core. It may start innocently enough. Exhaustion, stress, child care, work and family commitments start to usurp the priority of physical intimacy.
We tell ourselves that it’s just a busy few days and that we’ll get back on track momentarily. The following week comes and the story and stress repeat. That week turns to two, two turns to four and soon we don’t remember the last time because we are out of the habit. Sex has officially been put on the backburner.
Loss of intimacy will eventually and ultimately lead partners down a road of resentment and withholding, furthering the difficulty of finding the path back to one another. Read on for your fix…
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1. Honor the differences in your drives – Often, your other half may operate differently than you do when it comes to your mutual sex drives. If one of you can be ready at the drop of a hat but the other needs warm up time or may be more inclined to want intimacy at a particular time of day, start getting creative about how to get each other there by thinking about the following:
a. What can you both do to stimulate your individual desires? (Ie. Putting on clothing that makes you feel sexy, thinking about the last time you felt turned on by your other half, candles, erotica, greater frequency with general kissing, touching etc)
b. What can you both do to stimulate each other’s desires? (Ie. Sexy texts, more foreplay, help around the house etc)
c. Have the conversation about these facts and discuss the answers you’ve come up with from the questions above. Isolate the factors most important to you both so that you can create and replicate successful scenarios. If you find that your lack of desire stems from your sexual dissatisfaction, use this opportunity to ask for more of what you want.
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