Low Sexual Confidence May Be Keeping You Single — So Fix It!

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Self, Sex

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There's never a wrong time to catch up on a little sexual housekeeping.

Both men and women carry lots of mixed emotions when it comes to sex. Many of our first sexual experiences come with a complicated mix of shame and pleasure, and we often remain enraptured by those mixed emotional places where being afraid of getting caught remains an intoxicating part of the fun.

A handful of relationships later, our physical skills tend to improve while our sexual confidence remains stuck in that “Should I really doing this?” mentality.

A never-married 42-year-old female client of mine once said to me, “All men want is ...," voice lowered to a dramatic whisper, "sex.”

That hesitant view of sex was definitely part of the reason she is still single.

Sex is critical to relationship success.

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Being unable to tell your partner your what you want in the bedroom may just be keeping you single, too.

An article in Women's Health reported that:

"The average American gets busy about two or three times a month, but increasing your romps to once a week generates as much bliss as scoring an extra $50,000 in income, according to researchers from Dartmouth College and the University of Warwick in England. It's not so much the sex itself that leads to happiness; the frequency is a better marker for a successful relationship. 'Couples who like each other end up in bed more often,' says study author Andrew J. Oswald, Ph.D. 'And it's the liking-each-other part that increases joy.'"

Don’t you want some of that? After all, lots of delicious sexual activity is seen as a marker of successful aging according to Virpi Ylänne in Representing Ageing: Images and Identities.

Personally, I find sex to be the best fountain of youth ever. (If you haven't made out in the backseat of a car in a few decades, I highly recommend it!)

Women aren't alone with their jittery nerves when it comes to sex. Men often stammer or appear awkward when speaking directly about pleasure. Yet the popularity of sex chat on sites like Literotica and Fetlife shows there is an undeniable hunger for a conversation about things people don’t feel comfortable talking about face to face.

When it comes down to it, radiant sexual confidence is irresistible — sexual awkwardness is not.  

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If you want to create a strong connection and have better sex your new (or current) partner, it pays to come to grips with your sexual self-confidence.

Do you want someone to desire you? Do you have a vast sexual appetite? Do you prefer a soft or a rough touch?

Do you even know?

According to Dr. Phil, “Of all the things that affect our sexual satisfaction, the most important element is sexual confidence. By that, I mean knowing not only that you're desirable but also that what you bring to a sexual encounter is likely to be highly valued by your partner ... Power, besides being highly attractive by itself, is the spice that lends an extra something to a woman's sexuality."

Knowledge is power, so isn’t it about time we stop whispering about what we want?

If you suspect your lack of confidence in the bedroom is repelling love from your life, try this quick Sexual Self-Confidence Quiz.

Stand in front of a mirror and look yourself in the eye. As you do, say each of these words and measure how comfortable you are on a scale of 1 (entirely comfortable) to 10 (ashamed to the point of embarrassment):

1. Love

2. Sex

3. Arousal

4. Turned On

5. French Kiss

6. Breast

7. Testicles

8. Penis

9. Vagina

10. Orgasm

11. Dick

12. Clitoris

13. Nipple

14. Balls

15. Masturbation

16. Anus

17. Mutual Masturbation

18. Cock

19. Dildo

20. Vibrator

Add up your score.

The higher your total is, the higher the likelihood your lack of sexual confidence is actually repelling potential mates. 

In the spirit of full disclosure, I couldn't say most of these words out loud without blushing until I was over 60 years of age. Maybe that's why my relationships didn't last. It certainly didn't help that I never felt comfortable saying sexy words and tried my best to avoid sexual conversations.

Lisa Thomas, LMFT says, “Sex should be ‘tension reducing’ and relaxing rather than ‘tension producing’ and stressful so that a true intimacy bond can form and produce a quality and lasting connection.”

After all, if it causes tension to say these words out loud, how on earth will you sound competent and confident to your new partner about sex and pleasure?

If you've established that your sexual confidence needs could use some assistance, congratulations on reaching this important personal "aha" moment.  

Being curious about what others are doing to learn about sex, pleasure, and sensual fulfillment is a great first step to learning the same for yourself.

So get to it!

 

Building your sexual self-confidence puts you on the fast track when it comes to success in love. If you find yourself wanting more, click here for a little DatingCPR.com.

 

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