11 Signs You're Getting Too Old For This Sh*t

Photo: weheartit
signs you're getting old
Self

#overit

Cliché number one: you're not getting any younger. 

Cliché number two: you're not as young as you used to be.

Cliché number three: as bad as getting older is, it beats the alternative... which is dying. 

Cliché number four: getting old ain't for the faint of heart. 

Sure, your car insurance premiums are way, way down but so are your energy levels and possibly larger and larger swaths of your skin (let's not even talk about primary and secondary sex characteristics). Yessiree, you're not as young as you used to be and the music isn't as good as it used to be and maybe it's a pinch too loud.

Well, it's official, you're not getting any younger, Benjamin Ass Buttons. In fact, you're kinda dying.

Well, buck up, buttercup! You have lots of living left even if it's not the living like Zayn seems to be doing. All that being said, if anyone doesn't plan on living to 160, I think we can all get on board with never hearing the term "quarter-life crisis" ever again.

Here are 11 signs you're getting old and can no longer put up with the bullsh*t.

1. The concept of 69ing gives you night sweats. 

You'd rather never feel the warm, sexual touch of another person than be facing the other direction on that person applying mutual oral sex. 

2. Sleeping on a couch destroys your next day/possibly next week/potentially life. 

Not every sleeping surface is going to be a custom Casper mattress, but a couch or that bar on a pullout couch should be the featured villain in Jordan Peele's next horror film Get No Sleep in your opinion. 

3. Switching planes an unnecessary amount of times makes a trip completely not worth it. 

Saving money is the best BUT if accepting a layover costs you more than 10 times as many minutes as it saves dollars, you're getting too old for that (if you save $24 but it takes 240 more minutes, you're on the wrong side of it)... Unless you're writing a great western novel and could use the extra sawbuck and alone time.

4. You're convinced that third or fourth dates should result in some kind of financial restitution.

Barring that, jail time. 

5. You feel like you've been tortured by one of Saddam's sons after unexpected exercise.

Yeah, I guess you did sleep in kind of a weird position last night but that shouldn't mean you can't raise your arms over your head after 20 minutes of pickup basketball. Where is the ibuprofen? Where are the stem cells? Where are the bionic legs?

6. You've completely lost interest in impressing people who you don't want to f*ck ... and even a lot of the people you do want to f*ck.

Look, I know that we're supposed to be ourselves at all costs and all that, but we all present a slightly shinier version of ourselves around people we want to see naked. And "see naked" could be a metaphor for something but you're too old to stunt for coworkers, family members and the person who cuts your hair. 

7. You've begun caring more about Netflix characters than you do family members.

Feel free to care about fictional people all you want. They're never gonna borrow money from you and then make you feel bad about asking about it. Luke Cage is much more interesting than almost anyone you've ever met.  

8. The cold feels like a personal hell. 

You feel it in your bones. You're wearing layers now and if someone is interested in your shape, they'll need to wait for the thaw. 

9. The hot feels like a very public hell. 

WHEN DID IT GET TO BE THIS HOT ALL OF THE TIME? Global something, man, but no one was this sweaty when we were kids and we lived on a farm. Air conditioning and a cool cup of rosé it is. 

10. Weighing yourself more than once a week makes you Google therapists in your zip code.

You can gain weight by gulping too much air now and lose twice as much by just reading about flaxseed oil. It's pointless to weigh yourself on any micro-basis as it's going to drive you the bad insane (like Angelina Jolie from the third act of Girl, Interrupted), not the good insane (like Angelina Jolie from the first act of Girl, Interrupted). 

11. Booze in a plastic bottle makes you want to drive by a rehab center and at least browse their pamphlets.

Just looking at a bottle of vodka that even the house vodka calls basic, you start feeling hungover. Now throw in the smell of cheap orange juice poured from a milk jug and you're having the kind of flashback a veteran of a foreign war would call "a real nightmare." 

Getting old is OK — better than the alternative of dying — but it's probably easiest when you admit that you ain't as young as you used to be.  

 

Author
Editor