Wank on, America.
Offices all over the country are offering crazy perks to attract employees.
From free lunch to Friday night beers, office perks are definitely nice.
Google has its own shuttle to take employees to work, as well as early screenings of movies.
Disney allegedly has a huge cafeteria full of dispensers of candy and your favorite cereals.
But the newest trend in office perks could prove to put folks in a sticky situation.
Sticky because they will be covered with sperm and/or vaginal juices.
That's right, masturbation is what's on the menu at work these days.
According to a recent survey, 40% of people masturbate during the work day.
HOW HAVE I NEVER ONCE WALKED IN ON SOMEONE ENTERING THE PLEASURE ZONE THEN, SURVEY?
I've only ever masturbated at one job.
Well, two, if you count this one.
The first one I was literally the only person in the building, in my early twenties, single and dripping raw sex, so frankly that fact that the craziest thing I did during this time was to masturbate in the bathroom is actually a bit of a relief.
I haven't technically masturbated while on the clock for YourTango, but I mean, I work from home, so technically yes, masturbation has occurred in my workplace.
Still, if ever there was a job where I'd feel comfortable testing this theory, it's this one.
Hygiene and social mores aside, there are actually a lot of benefits to jerking one out (by which I mean masturbating) at the office.
Though we have to warn you, of course, that masturbating at work could theoretically be considered sexual harassment — if someone walked in on you or you did it up in other people's space.
But assuming you do it right, psychologist Mark Sergeant says that masturbating at work is a great way to "relief stress and tension."
Plus it's so much more fun than a brisk walk around the block.
"I would expect a masturbation policy to result in more focus, less aggression, higher productivity, and more smiling."
I mean, I can't disagree, but like, wouldn't you get the same results from giving your employees free chocolate?
And the added benefit of eliminating the awkwardness of everyone knowing that Terry from accounting is looking chipper because he's just finished jerking it in the men's room?
Still, I guess subbing in masturbation for cupcakes or other free snacks could have its perks.
Fewer calories, for one thing.
The big concern for me would be actually being able to reach an orgasm.
It's one thing to masturbate freely in your own home, it's another thing entirely to masturbate within the confines of your workplace, where your boss could at any second burst through the door.
Trying to take a masturbation break at work and then being unable to orgasm could, if anything, be the exact opposite of a restorative break.
Though I guess practices could, in theory, make perfect.
By which I mean masturbation practice.
"Just make sure you wash your hands," said one editor as we discussed the finer points of this story.
Noted editor, noted.