Ladies: Are they right?
The female orgasm. The mystical. The mythical. The magical. The yonic Shangrila of the natural world. Too beautiful to be kept in a cage. Too valuable to let run free.
Some of us have been lucky enough to see one in the wild. However, like a UFO sighting, naysayers will often say, "It was a muscle spasm" or "She has gynecological hiccups, you dope!" or even "Swamp gas, bro... swamp gas." But enough people and MRI machines have corroborated things that we should all just take it as scientific fact instead of some scheme to tire men to the point that they will relinquish control of society to a cabal of feminist and eunuch overlords.
If you've read this far, you probably agree that the female orgasm is a real thing that really happens and not some delicious bit of fiction like that time we all thought Paul from The Wonder Years was Marilyn Manson. However, knowing about a thing in theory isn't exactly the same as being able to point it out in real life.
I've studied engineering and I wouldn't know a quark if it flew through my keister. I've had scallops at Red Lobster in the last week and I wouldn't know what they look like were I to see one in one of the Earth's oceans. And because an orgasm is typically invisible, like love, we need some signals that it's actually taking place.
Here, 8 men weigh in on how to tell when a woman orgasms. Women, feel free to use these moves every once in a while if you gotta fake one.
1. She screams out the wrong name.
"If she screams out the wrong name." —Aaron, 38
2. You can feel it on your penis.
"So, vaginal orgasm, you feel it, pushing on your dick. It's a great feeling, then there's like this silence before they start losing their minds. Butt orgasm, different story. It's an uncomfortable contracting, which is similar to what happens to us. Same pause, though. It's a pause then a gasp for air. The only woman who didn't follow suit was a squirter and it's pretty hard to miss that one." —Landon, 29
3. She has full-body spasms.
"Usually, she says, 'I came! I came!' But I don't believe a thing until her entire body is shuddering and spasming. Otherwise, I won't be convinced." —Fitz, 31
4. She explosively breathes.
"It's totally a breath thing. Fast breathing, faster breathing, fastest breathing, no breathing, huge exhale. It's like going to a dance club and waiting for the beat to drop. Sure, there is some seemingly involuntary squirming, semi-voluntary hip thrusting, and completely voluntary verbal cues, but eyes screwed-shut explosive breathing is the true blue signal that downstairs explosions are afoot." —Jimmy, 37
5. She shudders in pleasure.
"There's a shuddering that I don't think can be faked. Especially when I'm going down. Right? Can't fake that, right? ...Oh boy." —Craig, 41
6. Her vagina is a water fountain of gush.
"Usually, I can tell when that vagina turns into a water fountain of gush, sometimes. But always it's intense body spasmodic movements. Moronically unsexy face. Screaming." —Eli, 31
7. Her vaginal walls tighten.
"That CAN'T be faked. A woman can fake a look or a moan. But when her vagina becomes an industrial strength vise, that's the number one sign." —Greg, 43
8. Her nipples get super-hard.
"When you are with someone for the first time, it is harder to tell what is real and what is 'enhanced.' Some women just flat out tell you, 'I'm going to come!' The ones that do that usually really are. When a woman is having an orgasm I notice their nipples getting harder and often feel their vagina squeezing my penis in waves of pleasure and changes in their breathing. I would think a faker is more vocal but obviously has less of the other physical reactions." —Salvator, 49