Even though I want to.
I love you. I’m sorry we won’t be spending this holiday together like we wanted. I can tell you’re disappointed and maybe a little confused. You’re everything that means anything to me, but I just can’t do what we both want me to do, at least, not this year. I know it’s hard. It’s hard for me, too.
I’ve thought about introducing you to my family. A lot. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. You’re the one who holds me at the end of a long day — the person who knows what upsets me and how to calm my spirit.
I’ve waited a long time to find you. I never imagined I could be this happy, and that love was this real. What we have is like nothing I’ve experienced with anyone else. You’re the gift that keeps on giving, and it makes little sense to not spend Christmas together.
But what’s holding me back from bringing you home to meet my family is because I love them, too.
I know that my family suspects that I’m gay. They aren’t dumb. But there’s a difference between knowing and discussing. There’s a part of me that accepts them the way they are, and the way I wish they would accept me, and you. But, right now, as special as the holidays are, I feel like it’s not the right time.
I may never feel like it’s the right time. It’s really awkward how I can’t be myself around the people I’ve grown up with my entire life. I’m more me when I’m with you and our friends in this life we’ve built together. But every time I play that film in my mind about how hurt my mom looks when she’s afraid people will judge her, or how my dad will feel I’ve disrespected his house-- they are religious you know. I realize this is the best decision for me, for us. I don’t want anyone to get hurt, especially you.
As wonderful as my family can be, I never want to risk them hurting you by making you feel unaccepted. I never want you to experience rejection or pain. Because I love you, I want to protect you. If anything happened, not only would I never forgive them. I would have a hard time ever forgiving myself, too.
I want you to know how much you mean to me. I need you to know that being apart is going to be hard, but I’m looking forward to spending the other 364 days of the year celebrating and making memories with you.