Masturbation should always be your bit on the side, whether you haven’t got laid in months; or you’re juggling two booty call partners and still finding time for the occasional one-night-stand; or you’ve finally decided to settle down.
It’s not just a consolation prize for the lonely hearts. It’s not cheating on your partner, and it’s not cheating your partner out of an orgasm. It doesn’t mean you’re not getting it enough from your partner, nor does it mean you’re oversexed. And it shouldn’t be a dirty secret that you have to sneak in when your partner’s working late.
But people haven’t always agreed on this point.
For many centuries, everyone just pretended that sex wasn’t meant to be fun. Then, in the eighteenth century, a Swiss physician named Tissot compounded the problem by trying to introduce “science” to the matter — he claimed that not only was sex not fun, but its resulting shifts in blood flow could actually lead to nerve damage and insanity. If sex was risky, then masturbation must have been a death wish.
Across the pond, American physician Benjamin Rush bought Tissot’s line of BS and dashed off a series of inflammatory articles on the subject that scared the hands out of everyone’s pants. Throughout the nineteenth century, men wore spiked metal tubes over their johnsons and boys’ hands were tied to the bedposts at night.
And here’s where it gets really good: Staunch anti-masturbationists like Will Keith Kellogg and Sylvester Graham believed that a bland diet would promote sexual restraint—and thus Kellogg’s Cornflakes and Graham Crackers were born. We shit you not.
It wasn’t until the 1950s that super-sexologist Alfred Kinsey came to save the day. He stuck his tongue out at Freud for calling masturbation immature, and proved that most mature adults enjoyed the occasional nubbin rubbin’, without consequence.
Okay, okay, we’re probably preaching to the choir here. But just in case you need the help, here are four masturbation techniques and tips to keep in mind during your next bout of “me time”:
Try a well-worn soft cotton sock, an extra large condom with lube on the inside, a ski glove with satin lining, a pearl or beaded necklace, running water, a velvet blanket or a purpose-made masturbation sleeve.
2. Play with the boys.
Tug on your balls, rub them, fluff their fur, massage the nooks between them and your thighs. Press on the skin between the balls and the anus, known as the perineum (a.k.a. the taint, i.e. t’aint the ass and t’aint the balls). This will indirectly stimulate your prostate, a.k.a. the male G-spot.
Or go straight to the source by sneaking a finger about two inches in the back door (please note: this won’t turn you gay if you aren’t already).
3. Want a more impressive money shot?
Abstain from any “happy finishes” for several days to build up semen steam. Drink lots of water. Once you begin a sesh, make it last for as long as possible, to increase sexual tension and arousal.
But remember, an orgasm is an orgasm is an orgasm. Having a stream that can leap tall buildings in a single bound is no more a prerequisite for great masturbation than having a six-pack is. Some men may never have explosive expulsions simply because their urethral opening is not small enough to create the pressure necessary for long-distance spurting. And even those with the smallest of holes will experience a decrease in velocity with age. Them’s the facts of life.
4. Don’t stick your dick anywhere it could get stuck.
We’re talking bottles, small auto parts, mail-slots. Because once it gets stuck, it swells; and once it swells, it hurts; and once it hurts, it starts to panic; and once it starts to panic, it’s ER City for you and your choking victim.
Same goes for vacuums, even if you can safely fit Him in the attachment. Because once the “on” switch is flicked, no matter how much of a dreamer you are, it will never give you a safe blowjob that actually feels good.
But above all, remember this: As long as you’re paying the rent, calling your parents regularly, and not hurting anybody, then it’s okay to be a little obsessed with self-love. If you’ve got dick burn or callused hands, it probably just means you need more lube. So spank away!
This article was originally published at Em & Lo. Reprinted with permission from the author.