Say goodbye to eye contact.
There’s a lot of risk involved with sex. And I’m not talking about pregnancy or STDs.
The risk comes from the fact that you’re about to do a very personal, biological, and intimate act with another person, so the potential for something truly mortifying happening is surprisingly high.
Don’t believe me? Ask almost any grown adult what’s their most embarrassing sex story.
Chances are, when you ask, they’ll immediately break eye contact. Because, even if they won’t admit it, they know. They know what the horror of your mutaul sex story truly is. They KNOW, deep down, that they’ve had something unexpected happen while they were naked, and they NEVER want to talk about it again.
Because sex is a couples' sport. If you want to move out of the masturbation minor leagues and go pro, you have to trust someone enough to get naked and vulnerable with them. And sometimes that decision bites you on the ass (both literally and figuratively).
Maybe your body betrays you. It makes a noise or it kicks off an involuntary response at the worst possible moment. Or maybe someone walks in on you — your mother, grandmother, priest, or spouse (uh-oh).
Whatever happens, you end up experiencing that mortifying moment with another person, which may mean that you avoid making eye contact with them — or avoid seeing them all together — for the rest of your life.
Here are 6 of our favorite responses to their embarrassing sex story question — six tales of erotic embarrassment that are so painful (and painfully familiar) that they might make you never want to hook-up again.
1. Are you OK in there?
"Back in Uni, they had a social function, everyone hammered, a girl I was friends with decided she wanted to be a bit more than friends.
I was single, she was nerdy hot and a pretty cool girl, so I was down with that.
We get back to her place, we are starting to get it on when she lets the nastiest fart out, loud, smelled like sewer gas. We both paused, she looked me in the eyes and I'm not sure what she or I were going to say at that moment, except she said, 'Oh my god, I'm so sorry...' then she got up and ran to the bathroom.
We've all been in that situation, though normally, with enough warning to not get naked and ready for sex when it's about to strike.
But she was in that bathroom and it sounded like death was coming. Grunting, swearing, bodily noises, etc.
I put my clothes back on, just yelled loudly, 'I'm going to leave and give you privacy, I hope you feel better.'
It was quite a while before we had a real conversation again. That incident was never brought up."
2. I’m not a virgin, YOU’RE a virgin
"Freshman year of college, I was a girl looking for some justification I was attractive. The first time a guy took me home, we started doing the dirty, when all of the sudden I feel a sharp pain and then see blood. Splattered on the walls, in a huge pile on the sheets, like the elevator doors had been opened.
The poor guy gave me a towel to clean myself up but when I realized it was a lost cause, I ran to his bathroom (cleaning up the trail of blood behind me with the towel) and stood in his shower for 20 min. I remember staring up at the ceiling thinking 'Why doesn't the world want me to get fucked?' I returned to the guy's room and pretended I wasn't a virgin when it was in fact QUITE obvious that was the case.
Turns out the guy was a complete sweetheart about it and we dated for a few months.
3. Can we put that picture away, please?
"I'd met a woman online who lived in the neighborhood. We chatted here and there. One day she invited me over and I was pretty sure it was for sex. Why not, right?
When I got there I noticed a framed photo of her with a man, and I got this feeling like she was cheating on someone. I guess that can be hot in a way under the right circumstances. But something about her mannerisms made it seem like even she wasn't ok with it. I was relatively young and felt weird about the whole thing.
I kept thinking, 'I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation... and I'll find out after I fuck her.' But I couldn't get it out of my head and was terrible in bed with her. She only lived a mile away, so I always thought I'd run into her around town, but thankfully never did."
4. That was fast.
"Had a crush on this guy in university. He invited me to his room and me being naive, I thought that he would want to talk/get to know me first. Starts making out with me, and I'm like 'ok, cool, he's hot so who cares.' Except he gets really into it, really fast, and cums in his pants. I was like 'yeah, no.' and just left and never spoke to him again."
5. Henry Winkler has no place in the bedroom.
"Doing cowgirl, approaching the half-hour mark, both of us enjoying ourselves tremendously. I've been sitting on the coast waiting for her to pull up to the beach so we could dive into the orgasm ocean together. She finally arrives and starts sprinting past me into the water (if you know what I'm saying), I try to slow her down because for whatever reason orgasms feel much better if we come at the same time. I don't know what I could say that would slow her down, but not me, but keep us both excited.
In the end, I settled with the classic Fonzie "AYYYYYYYYYYY" while pointing pistol-fingers at her. This would have been okay, if not for the fact that I also had to sneeze. It moreso came out as 'AYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEUCHOOOOOO!' The instant contraction from the sneeze was enough of a jolt to push us both over the edge, so she didn't have time to hate me, which is kind of how I strategize most of my sexual encounters anyway. As we both came down from it, we were both laughing hysterically. I apologized profusely for my stupidity, but she replies with, 'Why the Fonz?'
She's my current girlfriend of 3 years. Happened about 2 years ago. I wasn't even alive when Happy Days was an airing sitcom."
6. We can’t all be Christian Grey.
"So this was pretty recent but I'm hoping it'll be okay in time.
I went to meet a guy at a hotel. We used to date but not for years, we're still pretty close and fool around when we happen to be in the same city.
So the other relevant facts are that I've always been pretty submissive, which he knows, and also I'd been getting a little high all weekend and hadn't really slept or anything, so I wasn't exactly myself.
I met him in his room, and we curled up in bed. We started slowly, he was sweet and tender and we were better together than we'd ever been. It was beautiful, he knows that recently I had a couple of health issues that made me nervous in bed but he just works with that and makes me feel like a goddess regardless, we have a wonderful time and snuggle back up, kissing and basking in our post-coital glow.
A while passes and we start making out again. Being the genius I am, I decide that I'd change things up and I'd be all dominant for literally the first time in my sexual history. I start by grabbing the back of his head and pulling him into a passionate kiss. Sweet. He's into it. I kneel up, ready to straddle him. Wait, I can't, because of that op I had... I'm not prepared for this... I panic. What next? How do I carry this on?
What I should have done is played it off and just let him take over. I'm not into being dominant. He knows this. He'd look after me.
What I did was start laughing. Full on, body shaking, booming laughter. I can't speak, I can't breathe, I can barely see because tears are pouring down my face. He starts off confused, moved through staring at me strangely, then looks kinda pissed as he gets dressed. I'm still howling in bed, trying to gain control of myself.
The worst thing is, I don't know how to tell him why I'm laughing. 'Sorry, I forgot that I'm super passive in bed and it made me cackle like a freak for the last ten minutes.'
So we did the only British thing to do: we left the hotel, went for coffee, and pretended nothing had happened. I'm not sure he'll be calling any time soon, and I don't know what to say to him if he does!"