Can't a girl catch a break?
I’m having a rough time with non-monogamy right now. There are certainly highlights and bright spots, and it seems ridiculously privileged to be complaining, but overall, there has a been a whole lot of anxiety and pain mixed in with the pleasure recently.
Most of last year, I went through a great stretch where I had multiple friends with benefits (FWBs), none of whom I saw very often, but I was seeing someone regularly, sometimes two or three different dates a week. Due to various circumstances and the impermanence of relationships, most of those ended. I have two FWBs currently, but I’m not sure I can even really say I have them, since it’s so rare that I see either. Neither are the type to message regularly so it’s more like they pop into my life every few months, bone the hell out of me, then disappear again.
In the reversal of the typical married couple/swinger lifestyle scenario, it’s my husband, Flick, who is getting all the action.
I’m working on meeting new people, but I find myself more and more challenged by the social aspects of that search. I find myself easily disheartened when conversations aren’t easily flowing, and can’t bring myself to push a limping text thread along. Instead, I write off those potential connections as non-starters.
And getting out and meeting people in person feels like an almost insurmountable obstacle recently. I just want to hide in my cave and have a penis magically appear before me (and in me).
Intimacy is incredibly difficult for me.
Talking and socializing and revealing myself personally is much more intimate and vulnerable for me than sex. I definitely need to feel like I have a social rapport before I have sex, but basically once I’ve established that the person I’m attracted to isn’t a psycho — or a Republican — I’m good to go.
What is much harder for me is letting people past my walls to get to know me as a person. Someone has to prove they’ve earned the right to the real me through the sexy-times, and I’m not willing to put in the time and effort to get to know someone until I’m sure the sexual chemistry works.
I’m not having a lot of success recently meeting people who strike the right balance of connection without needing more than I want to give. This shocks the crap out of me, because I thought getting casual sex was going to be the easiest thing in the world for a willing woman.
Unfortunately, guys who want super-casual sex aren’t necessarily going to want or need the friendship click I’m looking for, and they don’t make any effort on the conversation front. Sorry boys, "Hey!" just doesn’t moisten my panties.
On the opposite end, I’m meeting guys who want multiple dates and a lot of getting to know you time before we get sexual. I’m not into that.
I don’t want to go bowling. I don’t want to play pool. I want to have sex.
If the sex is good enough, maybe I’d consider bowling.
Nah. Still don’t want to bowl.
Yes, I did use two of the most hated words in the English language in a single sentence in the previous paragraph. I don’t understand people’s dislike of those words and I seem to have started trolling my readers out of sexual frustration.
But I’m going to keep at it. I know that the only way to meet the right people is to continue meeting people. I’ve got a date with a new guy lined up, and one of my former FWBs popped up again. Our first go round at hooking up again went well, so we’ll see how that goes.
Flick and I have started making connections in the local sex positive community and have been invited to a few play parties, so I might meet some people I can get it on with outside those spaces too.
Cross your fingers for me.
If all goes well, my mouth will soon be too full of penises to need to worry about talking.
Listen now: As couples, so often we’re looking for the third. The unicorn usually. They’re rare, seemingly unobtainable, but when we find them it’s just so magical. Except that we’re often boxing that unicorn in, that single person who now has to put up with our pre-established couples dynamic and the fact that if we ghosted it’d be as a pair. Yep, tonight on Life On The Swingset: The Podcast, we’re talking about couples privilege and what that means for the third so many of us are seeking.
This article was originally published at Life on the Swingset. Reprinted with permission from the author.