When I was in high school I dreamed of meeting someone, falling in love, and marrying them.
How cool it must be, I thought, to spend your life with your high school sweetheart!
Since I went to an all girl school and was primarily interested in men, this did not seem like something that was ever going to happen.
I mean I knew boys, I was in a theatre group after school that was full of them.
But, you know, it was a theatre group. So suffice to say that the pickings were... slim.
Now that I’m 33 I look back at my 15 year old self and thank god I didn’t have a high school sweetheart. Because I’m a totally different person now than I was when I was 15! I can’t imagine being attracted to the same sort of person I was attracted to then (namely, dicks who wore Oakleys and loved to quote Adam Sandler).
It got me thinking, there are so many other reasons that winding up with your high school sweetheart might not be everything it’s cracked up to be.
1. They've read all your bad poetry
When you marry your high school sweetheart, you're marrying someone who knows you better than you know yourself. Oh sure, that's romantic, until you remember the period during 7th grade where you wrote a lot of tortured poems inspired by The Cure that you made him read. Awkward.
2. They know what it's like to kiss you with braces
Sure, today your mouth is full of straight, pearly white teeth. But it took a lot of braces, elastics, retainers and bite guards to get it there. You want the person you're making out with to be turned on by your mouth, not traumatized thinking of that time you guys went at it and you had tuna salad stuck in your brackets.
3. They have been on the receiving end of your first blowjob
When it comes to blowjobs, you're a pro...now. But it wasn't always that way. There was a learning curve, and he knows it. While you're trying to wow him with some new blowjob technique you've picked up, he's just grateful you're no longer experimenting with using your teeth.
4. Your parents will never NOT hate them
The person you wound up with is the person your parents FIRST saw as the little boy trying to take their precious baby girl away from them. Over the years your parents will have dreamed up some imaginary replacement for your guy who is so much more perfect for you. Sadly, this guy doesn't exist, your fella does, and your parents will never forgive him for it.
5. Forget having sex with other people
This is an obvious one, but it's also a crucial one, so I'm mentioning it. If you wind up with your high school sweetheart, that's the only penis you are ever going to see. Penises are very funny and unique, like phallic snowflakes. You deserve to see at least three.
6. You've probably popped their zits
During high school there was nothing you loved more than popping the zits that covered his back. Now giving him a romantic massage is an absolute no go, because you don't think "sex" when you see his back, you think "someone pass me the extractor."
7. The romance runs out
A lot of men view courtship and the romance that comes with it as a means to an end. If you wind up with your high school sweetheart don't expect roses and poetry forever. He's won you, his job is done. For him, romance is trying not to leave skid marks in his underwear.
8. There's nothing new to learn about them
When you've grown up with someone they know you inside and out. That's great, but it's also kind of, well, boring. You guys have been together for so long that there's new or interesting to learn about each other. Why even bother talking when you know everything the other person has to say?
9. Your social circle is really small
For most couples their social circle is made up of his friends, her friends, and their friends. But when you've been with the same person since childhood all of your friends are exactly the same people. Sure, they are awesome as heck, but there aren't that many of them.