I REGRET NOTHING
I didn't say no directly. I said yes, because I'm a sex writer and I know a good story when I see one. But once I said yes, I kept putting it off, and putting it off, and putting it off some more.
I can handle pain, I've got three tattoos and have broken bones and done all of that like a total badass. But there was something about a needle full of my own blood injected straight into my clitoris and vagina that made said body part retreat back up inside me like a small, pink turtle's head.
I rationalized this decision brilliantly. The O-Shot, after all, was designed for women who are having a difficult time reaching orgasm. It's also for menopausal women or anyone who might be experiencing pain due to dryness during sex.
I'm 33, pretty damn moist, and my ability to orgasm ranks somewhere up there with a nineteen year-old boy's.
Eventually, however, my passion for actually doing my job (and my guilty conscious) led me to the doors of Smooth Synergy in Manhattan, where you too for the trifling cost of $1900 can have your own blood injected into your clitoris and vagina for health or recreation.
Any nervousness I felt about the procedure vanished when I met the spa's doctor, Dr. George. He was patient, thorough, kind, and also hilarious. I pointed to an award on his wall. "Oh," I said, "you won most compassionate doctor." George laughed, "Yeah in 2013. The real question you have to ask yourself is what I've been doing lately!"
I would have laughed harder, but the numbing cream applied to my ladybits had me gripped in a paroxysm of total fear.
The O-Shot was designed by Dr. Charles Runels, the same man responsible for the Vampire Facelift, and the general procedure follows the same guidelines. Your blood is taken and put through a centrifuge where plasma rich platelets are separated from the rest of your "garbage blood".
Then, using two shots, these platelets are injected into your clitoris and vagina. The idea here is that they encourage stem cell growth and make you feel more sensitive and more aroused. Some people get the shot once a year, but some believe that just getting it done once will be all you need.
My boyfriend Buddy came with me to film the entire encounter for YourTango's Facebook Live. He was lovely and supportive and insanely eager to try out my fancy "Two thousand dollar cunt job" as he called it, albeit fondly.
For some women, the shot does nothing. For others, it's life-changing. I fell somewhere in the middle. The shot doesn't require any healing time. I went from my appointment back to work where I feasted on a burger and strategically blocked creeps on Facebook.
That evening, Buddy and I got to work testing out the new car, as it were. I had felt horny all day, tingly, hyper aware of my clit and weirdly, of my G-spot. Our sex was like our usual sex, but turned up, as Spinal Tap would say, to 11.
My junk felt swollen and sensitive, like that weird giddy feeling when your leg has fallen asleep and it just starts to wake up. My boyfriend said he could feel a difference which was neat, but I could have done without his scientific reporting while he was still inside of me.
If the O-Shot had such a strong effect on me (and it's continued to rock my sex life), then I can't even begin to imagine what a godsend it must be for people suffering from sexual dysfunction who are in need of help.
And for the record, there's a P-Shot too. I have yet to decide whether or not I am going to put my boyfriend through that.
Depends on just how charming he is in the next couple of days or so, I suppose. But don't worry, we'll keep you posted.