Amazing sex lies at the intersection of romance and passion.
Romance: an emotional state that happens when two people nurture and encourage acts and thoughts that cherish each other.
Passion: an emotional state that arises when a strong interest of desire, curiosity, and attraction.
Put these two emotions together and you have the opposite of impersonal sex — you have intimate trust.
Sex is rather simple: put the penis in the vagina, and move your hips. Orgasms are the same. Engorgement, erection, lubrication, ecstasy. Cue deep moans. The difficulty of sex comes from the communication. Partners are unlikely to get their sexual desires met if they're uncomfortable discussing them in the first place.
When we can understand the way we desire and communicate our intimacy, the barriers that block a passionate sex life fall down, leaving a beautiful, erotic mess in between the bed sheets.
Here are three must do's for every relationship.
1. You must understand and chart each other's sexual love map.
There seems to be a striking difference in the way men and women see sex. Most women desire sex when they feel emotionally close, where as men use sex as a way of becoming emotionally close. The way in which we feel loved and rejected in sex may be different.
By sharing how you experience love and rejection, you'll begin to understand your partner more and your partner will understand you as well. Any honest conversation you can have about sex will significantly improve your relationship both inside and outside of the bedroom.
2. You must discuss sexual shame and rejection.
A lot of people feel sexual shame. It can come from a plethora of places: family, friends, past partners, or even society. So much of our culture treats sexuality as something shameful, and because of this it's hard to avoid sexual shame.
Embarrassment about sexual urges or anxiety over performance makes it threatening to trust your partner with your intimate secrets. Sexual shame is emotionally crippling, both for you and for your partner. If you're ashamed of your desires, you're ashamed of yourself.
When a relationship works well, it's because both partners respect the sexual nature of each other.
You have sexual desires. They are valid, and you have every right to pursue and satisfy them (as long as you don't hurt anyone in the process). Ironically, your desires are the hottest thing imaginable to your partner.
I find it crucial for couples to find times to talk about this. Maybe it's after sex. Maybe it's a pre-planned a conversation with a glass of wine. You pick the time, but openly discussing your desires and what you want to experience in your sex life with your partner will greatly improve your relationship and your health.
3. You must plan sex (occasionally).
There is a powerful belief that good sex is suppose to be easy, uninhibited, and tension-free. It's said that either your partner and you have it or you don't. It's kind of ironic in our modern willpower society that encourages us to manifest our careers through deliberate and relentless work ethic that our sex lives must only rise in the spontaneity of the moment.
Ask any successful artist, business builder or entrepreneur and they will tell you they had to deliberately practice their craft to become better at it. They didn't wait for motivation to show up. They showed up and got the work done. Spontaneity is a wonderful fantasy, but in an ongoing relationship whatever is going to “just happen” has already happened. Now you have to make it happen.
Planned sex is intentional sex. I'm not talking about making sex a to-do list item. I'm recommending that you create an erotic space and time for your partner and you to connect. What happens in the space is up to you, but the space itself is deliberately designed to bring the erotic emotions back into the relationship
It gives you the space to seduce your partner. To treat them like you treated them within the first two years. Wild, free... but now it's with intention.
Ironically, planning creates this sexual anticipation. It builds a romantic plot. It causes both you and your partner to long, to wait and yearn for the future desire. Planned sex allows both of you to slip out of the chains of reality and allow sex to be more than just the 15 minutes before bed.
This article was originally published at Kyle Benson. Reprinted with permission from the author.