Woman Calls Police After She Says A Pokemon Go Character Raped Her

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pokemon go rape
Buzz, Sex

I've never trusted Squirtle.

We should always believe victims of rape when they come forward. Absolutely and 100%. Too many victims stay silent because of just how rigged the system is against them. 

I support all victims of rape and I always will. 

Unless said rape victims are claiming that they were raped by a character from the popular iPhone game Pokemon Go

Yep. Just take a sec and let the insanity of that statement wash over you like a warm, wave of urine. 

A woman in Moscow fell asleep playing Pokemon Go, and woke up to discover that she was being attacked by a Pokemon from the game. She does not identify which Pokemon was her assault, but I think we all know it was Squirtle


The woman woke up her husband to tell him about her rape. Her husband, being not insane, told her to call a psychiatrist in the morning. He went back to sleep and his wife ... called the police.

Unsurprisingly, the cops shared her husband's take on the report. 

Having heard out her husband and the cops, the woman knew there was only one logical thing left to do: 

She called a psychic.

Thankfully, rather than to exploit this troubled woman, even the psychic was basically like, "um the mystical spirits say that it is a terrible idea for me to help you." 

With no other place to turn, the woman went to see a psychiatrist. She reportedly told one friend that her home was overrun with Pokemon. They were such a presence in her home that even her dogs could sense them.

I am an avid player of Pokemon Go. I recently had a dream that I was having a sandwich with Psyduck and when I woke up I was like "man I have got to stop playing so much Pokemon Go," thinking I had reached peak Poke madness.


But apparently I am not even close. 

Although this story is kind of hilarious, it's also terrifying. People don't create elaborate stories like this for no reason, so clearly, whatever the impetus, this lady is suffering. I hope she gets all the help she needs and also I hope that her husband took her phone away from her. 

May we all catch 'em all, and may we do so without losing our marbles and filing false police reports that undermine the problem of rape culture. That is my parting wish to you. 




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