Because setting on your money on fire is only slightly less ridiculous.
If you give 48 year-old Dorothy Stein the appropriate amount of money, she will bite you.
This is not, gentle friends, because you have enraged her.
Up until the late 1980s, Dot was doing this FOR FREE.
She was a passionate lover of music and musicians and was happy to offer up her sexy services gratis. Which, frankly, makes sense when your massage includes the risky move of biting the hell out of someone who doubtlessly has a squad of burly gentleman paid to fling would-be attackers from the room at a mere raised eyebrow.
But that changed as her acclaim rose, and Dot started to charge: yay for women in business!
Plenty of celebrity musicians have paid for the privilege.
I was skeptical (I mean, I still sort of am) until I saw that David Bowie used to get treatments from Doctor Dot.
But I worship Bowie, and if it was good enough for him...
No strike that, Bowie made some questionable choices in his life and I'm going to go ahead and call this one of them.
Pop quiz, hot shot: which is dirtier, a human mouth or a toilet seat?
Yeah, your mouth contains up to 3.2 million different types of bacteria. A toilet seat? Just 295.
That's not simply splitting hairs, that's a huge difference.
While Doctor Dot claims that her technique was taught to her by her mother, and while folks like Kanye West swear by her bite, if she were to break the skin she could five a celebrity client an infection.
Maybe there's a way of spinning that into a luxury treatment, too.
But I think if I were drowning in money, I'd settle for the less weird of the weird massages, like hire someone to walk on my back maybe.
Would you ever try this?