I only remember you the way I wanted you to be, which is why my heart continues to miss you.
To the man who broke my heart,
There are so many things I wish I could tell you.
I really miss you. If only I could convince my heart I don't. If only you knew the amount of times I've typed your number in my phone, just to erase it again. If only you knew every tear I've cried over you. If only you knew all the sleepless nights I spent tossing and turning. If only you knew on the nights I did close my eyes you haunted me in my dreams.
There has been no escape. I wish you could feel my heart race every single time I received a message because I hoped it was you. I wish you knew how time and time again it was you who I wanted to call when great and no-so-great things would happen.
Although I wish to tell you these things, I have no other option but to leave you in the past. For once in my life, I am doing something for myself. I have to shield myself from the poison you have become. I know if I were to hear your voice I would fall apart to only put myself back together. I can't keep coming back to you.
If you only knew the amount of times I've typed a message to you, never sending a single one. All telling you how I wish things were different, how I wish you were the same man you were in my dreams. The thing is, my memories of you have become so warped. I only remember you the way I wanted you to be which is why my heart continues to miss you.
I wish I could remind my brain how it used to be. How neglected and worthless you made me feel. All the times I always thought “we” when you never did. All the times I thought, "How will I know when enough is enough?" killed me inside.
It has become mentally exhausting to convince my heart what my mind has known for many years. It is difficult to accept the fact that the person I remember is a complete fantasy. I have slowly realized that I am holding on to something that doesn't exist anymore.
I no longer can pretend we are something we are not, or that you are someone you are not.
This article was originally published at infinitexox.tumblr.com. Reprinted with permission from the author.