Please don't kick a guy when he's down...
Women have it easy. That’s right, I said it.
The prevailing notion is that a man can and will fuck anything presented to him — and, to be fair, some men CAN and WILL.
In the swinger lifestyle, there are a few added anxiety producers that make that stereotype a bit less … possible.
Uh oh, settle in, Cooper’s talking ED (erectile dysfunction).
Look at it from our perspective for a moment.
My partner, even if she’s not 100% into it, or is feeling self-conscious or nervous, can perform exactly as expected with the help of some lube and a few well-timed moans. Not that I’m suggesting she SHOULD fake it, I’m just saying she CAN.
We can’t, really.
For a lot of us, especially those new to the group sex experience, and especially those who have been monogamous for a long time, well, things don’t always function as well as we’d like.
After all, there’s another guy there with another penis, and this is often a VERY new experience indeed.
Now, assume that guy is performing the way you wish you could be.
And assume he’s doing this with your wife while you sit on the other side of the bed with a gorgeous woman you desperately want to please.
And finally, assume this is all happening with an unimpressively flaccid shorty hanging between your legs. (You know, hypothetically, of course.)
I’ve been told by several women that as long as a man (and his tongue and fingers) are willing to work through this minor inconvenience to look after her satisfaction through alternative methods, they still feel as pleased as punch.
And I believe them when they say this.
But I don’t think women quite understand the psychological feedback loop men often find ourselves in.
It happens once.
The next time, we worry it may happen again — which of course makes it that much more likely that indeed it will.
After another time or two, the doomsday mentality kicks in and we begin to wonder if we’ll EVER get hard with an actual human being in our bed again!
Seriously, this goes through our heads!
The first thing we have to acknowledge as men is that our penis WILL fail us. It’s a fact of life.
It could be this time, next time, or in five years, regardless of our individual health or masturbatory regimen. And it may fail us via erection (aka, classic failure), or it may fail us by saying, "Fuck all you want, buddy, but no orgasm for you!"
These situations can be caused by medical issues to be sure.
If they’re happening in all sexual situations and on a regular basis, you should definitely schedule a visit with your doctor to be poked and prodded.
For many of us, though, it’s a situation where I’m fine with my wife, and when I take matters into my own hands, but when you add the swingset lifestyle, or some additional stressor …
My message to the guys is simple: know that it happens, and not only to you.
Know that worrying only reinforces the feedback loop, and as hard as this may be, relaxing is often the cure.
Also know that it will probably just pass on its own.
For the ladies, I offer you this win-win suggestion:
When dealing with this situation, we’re probably going to apologize, because we feel as though we’ve let you down (you know how fragile we men can be.)
Just make sure we know you’re having fun regardless — and perhaps direct our face between your legs.
Often, while we’re working on something else and aren’t thinking about our neurosis, the problem resolves itself.
Men are aware that most of you have far more orgasms through oral sex than penetrative sex, but societal pressure has given sex the narrowly defined definition of penises going into holes (I say holes so as not to exclude the bis and gays. Hi, guys!).
This, in turn, leaves us too often second guessing our natural urges, and therefore ignoring the fact sometimes, for you, the main course may well be us licking your lap anyway.
Now, to the topic of … assistance.
Prescription pills like Viagra and Cialis, as well as herbal supplements like Stiff Nights, can and do help.
They can be great for breaking the feedback loop and popping that boner when you really need a “win.” But, if you don’t NEED them, you want to be careful not to set yourself (or your man) up for dependency by taking them every time. You may possibly create a brand new feedback loop, so tread lightly.
For those of you who complain about men who can’t always get it up, and put on your dating profiles that you’re looking for men who can get and maintain an erection … go fuck yourself!
You’re part of the problem.
Anybody have any other suggestions to help overcome this inconvenient issue? Let us know in the comments!
This article was originally published at Life on the Swingset. Reprinted with permission from the author.