To The Married Couple On Tinder Who Want To Have Sex With Me: No Thank You

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married couples on Tinder
Sex

I'm totally cool with you doing your thing, but please stop making me feel even more lonely.

It is Saturday night, and I am sitting at home alone on a weekend without my kids, drinking Stella Artois cidre (because I'm fancy like that) and swiping through Tinder (because, to be frank, my love life sucks).

As I swipe, it isn't the goofy men with their race cars that don't belong to them, or the wedding bands they forgot to take off who tick me off quite as much as it is the 15 millionth married couple I have swiped left past this year alone.

Listen, I am a sex-positive, do your thing, let your freak flag fly in the wind kind of gal, but YOU have a relationship and I do not. 

I log onto Facebook well aware that I will be looking at many happy families out doing things that I am not, and I enjoy that.

I believe, however, that it shouldn't be too much to ask that my time spent playing swiper-style roulette of not-really-much-potential dates within my totally-useless-but-fun-to-pretend-I-might-some-day-meet-someone-who-will-love-me-like-I-deserve-to-be-loved dating apps be left smugly smiling-couple free.

Just about a month ago, I was left-swiping through half of LA County's male population as I sipped my morning coffee, which I promptly spit halfway across the room (not really, but in my mind I pretended I did) when I suddenly saw one of my friend's husband's smiling faces pop up in a profile.

"Holy sh*t," I thought. I am by no means naive and I know all too well that no one knows what really goes on in anyone else's marriage behind closed doors, but this is one couple I really thought had it all going on in the best ways.

They are both gorgeous. Both successful. Always seem loving together. Perfect beyond perfection children. Were they divorcing, or was he cheating?

I messaged a friend who doesn't know either of them, and she firmly instructed me to out the dude to his wife. But what if they were divorcing and I just didn't know? Or what if they had a don't ask don't tell arrangement and she didn't want to know? Or what if she didn't know, but she truly wouldn't want to know?

I was seriously sick with panic. 

I took a bunch of screenshots of his profile pictures, and then I decided to swipe right so that if he was foolish enough to swipe right on me too I could confront him. 

After a few moments of further consideration, I messaged a mutual friend who is closer to both of them than I am, and ask if everything was OK with their marriage. When that friend said yes, I explained what I had found, how completely distraught I was about to do, and asked for an opinion.

"Oh," the mutual friend replied casually, "They're swingers. He goes on there to find for girls for both of them."

Well isn't that special...

Listen, I love me some swingers. Not that I am one, but I have good friends who are, and if that works for anyone I am thrilled for them and their good times. But there are other sites for these things.

There is Openminded.com, which launched last year

I've seen Kasadie.com on my friend Cooper's website specifically for the Swinger community — and as he messaged me while I was writing this, I can now add that there is a nifty little app just for you threesome seekers called 3nder. 

I know I recently passed by an article saying that OkCupid now has a profile option to indicate polyamorous relationships.

And I am sure there are many, many more options if you'd just set your curious little fingers to Google like the rest of us single folk do.

I don't even mind the guys who go on Tinder and say that they are in an open-relationship. Fine. They're being honest, and I respect that completely. 

But to the married couples on Tinder with your happy, smiley, trying too hard to be sexy profile pictures, I am asking you right now to STEP OFF.

If I am on Tinder as a single woman, I am probably already pretty bummed, at least at times, that I don't have a happy, intact family. Seeing pictures of you and your adorable kids in a family portrait isn't going to make me want to have a threesome now any more than I already don't want to. 

I also have enough trust issues as it is. I really don't need you happily married bisexual women sending your super-psyched hetero man into the trenches on your behalf, leaving me to only find out after the initial excitement of a match and a message that "he" isn't looking for a date, but that "the two of you" are. 

And to the couples in struggling marriages who read the latest "A Threesome Saved My Marriage" article, again, I say go for it! Good luck!

But please go looking in a place where there are people looking for the same thing.

I once read or heard (can't remember — see cidre note above) a really well spoken (or written) thought from a lesbian to the straight women who reach out for the same purposes, or even because they just feel like giving it a try in bed with a woman for one night.

This woman's powerful point was to say, listen, I am a human being looking for love. I'm not interested in being your experiment.

So I raise my 3/4-full bottle (total lightweight, just FYI) to the woman I apologize for not remembering and offer a hearty "Here-here!"

Now please excuse me. I have some completely unproductive left-swiping to do.

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