3 Ways To Get Yourself Together And Stop Being So Damn Needy

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Shift your thinking.

By Elphie Coyle

Since age 15 through 30, I have nearly always had a partner. We’re talking one week of days between all previous relationships in total. Most times I stayed through to the bitter end, as I considered my word my bond, to the point of the absurd.

As such the best parts of my love were directed towards my partner, and any self love I enjoyed was always towards an immediate goal using those oh-so-naughty sites we’ve all visited.

I finally got sick and tired of romantic love with another, after once more unconsciously sabotaging my relationship so it would let me go. I was left literally cold (I live in Melbourne, after all) and alone with mostly just fleeting one-nighters to keep me company.

After receiving some wisdom from my love mentor Rob McDowell, and having had a lot of time on my hands to introspect and practice thanks to my financial freedom, here are the three things that I found helped me shift my tendency towards codependent relationships:

1. Self-Care

Starting with the most socially accepted one, I learned how to take care of myself.

Always choosing ladies who wanted the white picket fence life, had them happily look after me quite a bit at first, as long as my companies paid for our lifestyle. This meant I had rarely done the basics consistently, or enjoyed them when I did.

Treating activities like putting washing out as a meditation, shifts this experience into one of zen bliss. Learning to cook will not only will help with further destroying codependence, but will impress your lady or prospectively lady the morning after, with your newfound “Bear Essence” skills.

2. Self-Pleasure

For countless reasons, sexual gratification is an important part of healthy overall functioning for everyone. The issue is, men are often so focused on the physical release that it wires us to not enjoy the journey as much.

Think of that favorite time where you made love all night long, and consider you don’t actually need another person to have that. Crazy I know, but it’s true.

Set aside exactly one hour of alone time, to put some of your favorite sexy tunes on, and touch the places you know you love it. Here’s the trick, just like how a lady wouldn’t be impressed with you finishing just after two minutes, don’t let yourself down by doing the same here. Use a bit of pornography at first if need be, but let it be a crutch you don’t need any longer when you can be aroused without it.

Yes this sounds very 20th-century, but if you stick with it you’ll be amazed by the results.

3. Self-Romance 

This is the easily forgotten one. Actually being in love with oneself is a great thing. Not in the baseless arrogant way, but in the “damn I’m proud of you dude” way.

We all desire the beloved of our dreams to wake up to each day, yet do we enjoy waking up to the person we see in the mirror? Getting grounded in our love for ourselves will resolve the anxiety of needing a partner, and waft away that air of desperateness that can come from being single. Ever wonder why for most it’s easier to talk to attractive people when we’re already in relationship?

Although these concepts formed the foundation of attracting a woman beyond my wildest dreams and creating Reality Ascending Love, they haven’t become unimportant since then. It’s been proven that one of the secrets to maintaining long term desire is being interdependent, so consider a sexy night in with just you next time your partner heads out for the night.

Here is a letter that I actually sent to myself during my second major stint of singledom. 

Hey You,

I’ve missed you. It’s been at least a year and last time we were just with each other it wasn’t an incredibly joyous experience.

Thanks for taking the time to spend with me, I’ve always wondered if you loved others more than yourself, but this time recently is proving that to not be the case, at least not anymore.

Take care of yourself, I know how much you like to do that thing and numb yourself if the pain/boredom gets too much. We have much to do on this planet together.

Soooo in love with your stellar manbits, heart and mind. 

Sending you much love & awesome,


It may seem silly at first, but what have you got to lose? You are your own most guaranteed sure thing!

This article was originally published at The Good Men Project. Reprinted with permission from the author.

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