Kids say some really weird sh*t.
Teachers hope to guide their students. Ideally, they'll teach them important lessons they can take through the rest of their lives — intellectually, but also socially and emotionally. Teachers are there if students need someone to talk to, and are hopefully able to help out if students have problems but nowhere to turn.
But teachers get so much more out of interaction with their students, including some great laughs and ridiculous stories. Like these:
1. You jerked ... what?
"My husband is a third grade teacher in upstate New York. He asked his students to use their spelling words in a sentence. One of the words was 'jerked.' And a female student wrote, 'I jerked off.' My husband asked her what the sentence meant, and she said, "I don't know. I just hear my dad say it all the time.'" —Anonymous
2. You don't have enough babies.
"I had a student say to me this semester: 'I can't believe you had a fourth baby. Why stop there? Why not buy a ranch and keep going, and create a new Duggar clan? You're off to a great start.' Yep." —Anonymous
3. What are the branches of government again?
"One girl thought the Judicial Branch was only for Jews. The Jewdicial branch!" —Mr. Jeffrey Wasserman, 7th grade Civics teacher
4. The woes a spoiled little rich girl.
"'I only got $50 from the tooth fairy.' This was a serious comment from one of my first grade students (age seven)." —Anonymous
5. TMI gone too far.
"A little girl named Paris in first grade Sunday school blurted out, 'Do you have sex?' I was floored. She wouldn't shut up. Then she yelled, 'My Mom and Dad do it all the time!' She kept continuing with all the details of her parents' sex lives. I had to take her out of the classroom; I was mortified.
I later ran into her parents in the hall and gave her to them. They asked what was wrong, and guess what? I was the bad guy. I was told I wasn't supposed to kill the open expression of love and give her a view that sex shouldn't be open. Let's just say I quit after that." —Anonymous
6. A farm composition is the best kind.
"Student: 'What does ASCAP mean?'
Me: 'It's a copyright organization that the composer belongs to.'
Student: 'Oh. I thought it was to prevent you from farting.'" —Anonymous, New Jersey-based music instructor
7. What happens when you dig for treasure.
"When my friend was teaching in the Chicago Public Schools several years back, she had a particularly unruly class of 4th and 5th graders. One day, she caught two girls passing a note. She walked by one of the girl's desks, grabbed the folded-up note, put it in her back pocket and forgot about it. When she got home that night she remembered the note in her pocket. It read, 'Miss Usher was just digging in her ass.'" —Anonymous
8. Tidbits of TMI from a kindergartner.
"One time, a kindergarten student told his classmates that his dad kisses his mom's vagina. I also once had a mom ask me to rush her conference because she had to check in from home due to her ankle contraption and being under house arrest. The other day, a child asked my age, and when I shared it he said I was the same age as his grandma." —Anonymous
9. Ah, the stupidity of teenagers.
"My first year, a kid didn't like me because he was disgusting and always hitting on 14 year old girls. I'd inform them that he was 20 and still a sophomore, so he found a photo of a porn star with brown hair and told everyone it was me.
One girl asked me if she could get pregnant by swallowing cum. One kid wrote me a math-themed love poem about wanting to intersect his X-axis with my Y-axis. He then had to read it out loud to the principal in front of me.
A freshman asked with 100 percent sincerity if I maintain my skin color by only eating white food. I obviously said yes and then really committed by bringing wonder bread, milk and marshmallows to for lunch for a week.
Last year, kids borrowed a school-owned video camera and taped their entire prom after-party, then came into school the next day hungover and still in their prom clothes, and returned the camera without deleting anything.
This year, the kids drew black eyeliner on my cheeks during our Thanksgiving football game and then suggested I make it my new thing to seem more tough in the south Bronx." —Anonymous
10. A kid with carnal knowledge.
"A kid said this to me as I start teaching the class a song: 'This is my parents' wedding song.' I said, 'Oh, so you're probably excited to play it and do a nice thing for them?' The kid said, 'Nope. I don't think about anything to do with the process of making me.'" —Anonymous
11. Just put a bottle in it already.
"It was the beginning of the school year so we had lots of kids crying. A student had just turned three and cried nonstop for hours almost every day for about a month. Yes, it was getting to us all, but I couldn't send him home. Anyway, one little girl said, 'He's so annoying.' Then another little girl turned to me and said, 'Yeah! Just give him a bottle.'" —Anonymous
12. Great farts just happen sometimes.
"I recently heard a funny conversation among three girls. One of my instructional assistants (IA) was gassy and accidentally let one escape as we walked up the hill to the school's cafeteria. One of the girls voiced in surprise, 'Mrs. X farted!' I was near and heard everything, so I told the little girl that was a normal human body sound.
She turned around and began telling her two friends about her mom being the loudest farter. She said, 'One time my mom farted downstairs so loud it woke me up. I was so scared, I didn't know what was that loud sound, but my sister told me to go back to sleep. She told me mom farted.' She was serious as she told the story, and I tried to get her to stop, but she really needed to let that one out." —Anonymous
13. Ready for some holiday fun?
"I asked my class, 'What's your family Christmas tradition?' One kid said, 'My mom and me decorate the tree while dad uses the bathroom.'" —Anonymous
14. You don't need to bug out.
"This one happened about two years ago. We were on our insect unit and asked kids about bugs they see and know. A child yelled out 'Cucarachas!' I said, 'Yes, that's a type of insect.' Then a boy sitting quietly in front of me said, 'We have cucarachas in our house. LOTS of them!' —Anonymous
15. A picture tells a thousand words.
"I spent two summers as a camp art teaching assistant. One summer I worked with the five year olds. One morning, a boy in the group announced to everyone that his mom was mad at his dad because 'He really likes going dancing with other women ... LOTS of other women.'
For a project, we had the kids draw pictures of birds. All of the kids made pictures of birds flying, in nests, sitting on eggs, etc. One little boy drew a picture of a bird looking for food in a dumpster. For another project we had the kids make Jackson Pollack-inspired drip paintings. One kid titled theirs 'What the Heck?'" —Anonymous