For the love of God woman, use a donut cushion!
The new personality of your vagina has some sage postpartum words for you, helping to integrate your new badass self with your new badass vagina. I'll go ahead and assume the voice of your vagina, so let's pretend she has a British accent.
1. I damn well deserve to be called by my proper name now.
Once your vagina has gone through the big girl task of birthing a baby, it deserves to be called by its proper name. No more "down there," "va-jay-jay," "pink lady," or "my petunia." It's vagina, and Queen Vagina to the men.
2. I would really, really enjoy a perineal massage.
If you're going to have another baby, do your vagina the favor by softening it up before a head comes out of it again. Any woman who has experienced a torn perineum during birth will beg you, in the name of your vagina, to grab the oil and get to softening up that perineum.
3. I WILL bleed, so prepare yourself.
There will be blood. Few people prepare you for just how much your vagina will bleed after birth. Your vagina wants you to know that it's OK, and that the blood is your very bright signal to take it easy. When the bleeding has stopped, you can get back on that literal or figurative horse.
4. For the love of God, use a donut cushion, woman!
No, your anus isn't part of your vagina, but they're close cousins and your vagina would like to act as its advocate. Postpartum hemorrhoids were created by a little devil with a truly wicked sense of humor. Hemorrhoids hurt and you deserve every ounce of relief you can get, no matter how silly you look. And remember, everyone is looking at the new baby — no one will notice your butt pillow.
5. I only want to have sex when I'm ready.
If your doctor tells you to wait six weeks before having sex but you feel like waiting sixteen, do it! Your vagina has gone through a profound shift in every mental, physical, and spiritual sense of the word. Don't force it, or yourself, into sex you don't feel like having. You'll feel that rumble in the jungle when it's go-time.
6. I deserve glorious orgasms just as much as he does.
It's just not worth it if you're not receiving equal pleasure. Your vagina has gone through too much to just "go through the motions." Reclaim your right to a glorious orgasm.
7. If you don't want anymore babies coming out of me, take your birth control.
Childbirth is hard, crazy, intense, challenging, beautiful, messy, glorious, and takes a toll on your hard-working vagina. It needs a break in between babies. Practice family planning — whip out those condoms, pop in the progesterone-only birth control pills (if you're breastfeeding), and just say no to only utilizing the "pull out method." Give your vagina ample healing time before round two.
8. I want you to look at me.
One of the most horrifying post-baby thoughts is what your vagina (and vulva!) looks like. First, give it some time to heal; then, give the baby to someone else, lock the bathroom door, grab a mirror, and spread your legs. Have a staring contest with your vagina. Look at it until you love it. And yes, you can touch it.
9. I'm perfect, gorgeous, and quite good at my job.
Your vagina deserves to be treated that way, and you deserve to be stoked that you have one.
Your post-baby vagina is one wise cookie. It will lead you to further greatness if you just slow down and listen to the words of feminine intuition emanating from your "other lips."