Sorry, Sister! Here's The REAL Reason You Keep Dating The Wrong Men

Love, Heartbreak

Is it them? Or, is it you?

If you're feeling frustrated about your dating life because you've only encountered jerk after jerk after jerk, it's easy to tell yourself that the entire male population is immature, has the IQ of their shoe size, or that there's a spotlight on your house leading lousy men to your doorstep.

Grrrrr! Men! They're the problem, right? 

Not so fast. 

Maybe — just maybe — the real problem isn't the men you're attracting, it's actually ... you.

Yes. You.

Sorry ladies, when you are the common denominator in your relationship dramas, the ONLY way to change that is to take a hard look inside and see what you're doing (or not doing) to attract this never-ending flow of losers.

Consider this:

Dr. Margaret Paul, one of Alanis Morissette's best loved therapists, says we attract people to our lives with a similar level of "stuff" that we have.

Think about it  trust, love and fear are three emotions we attract into our lives at similar levels that we feel them ourselves.

If you're a truly trusting person, you will naturally attract trusting (and trustworthy) people to your life.

If you're a fearful person, you'll attract other fearful people. They may not fear the same things you do, but on some level, they're reacting to life (and to their relationships) from a default space of FEAR. If you harbor scared feelings, trusting another person with something as precious as your heart becomes mighty tough.

And it's all made worse with relationship baggage.

If you're tired of attracting bad men like a moth to a flame, it's time to figure out what question you're trying to answer by dating this sort of men.  

Are you trying to figure out if HE will leave you too? If all men are jerks and abandon the women they love? Or, whether you're truly meant to live life forever alone? Perhaps this all mirrors the pain you carry forward from your childhood?

Yes, it's true that relationships from our past that didn't end peacefully never really end at all. They live on in our hearts (and fears) and we take that into every other relationship we form.

So how can you get past this?

It's the holy grail of relationship questions and there's no better person to put a healthy, honest spin on it than Dr. John Gray, author of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. John was joined in this video by host and YourTango Experts SVP, Melanie Gorman, Personal Development Coach Jan Bowen, Dating Coach Jill Crosby and therapist Nasrin Barkhordari

And the advice the Expert's share might surprise you ... 

In short: Not everyone is born ready for a great relationship. Some of us (many of us), the Experts included, needed to do our personal self work to get ready for the right person to come along. The same is likely true for you. Don't let a past stream of bad men hinder you from finding the love of your life in the near future.

Do the work. Don't settle for less and when all else fails, ask for help.

Our Experts are here to help and you can reach them by clicking their names above or visiting their websites for more.



Explore YourTango