What the hell was this, Animal Planet?
It was my fourth date with Justin (not his real name) and I was feeling a bit ... frisky, so I invited him back to my house, poured us both a drink, and before long we were half-naked on my couch.
We needed a little more space to move around so I asked him if he wanted to go up to my room. When I saw his eyes light up like a Christmas tree, I back-tracked quickly saying, "I'm not having sex with you tonight, but I'm open to other possibilities."
His eyes dimmed.
"Define actual sex," he said.
"Don't stick your dick in anything below my waist," I whispered into his ear, attempting to make my self-imposed limitations sound sexy. He nodded.
As I pulled him through the doorway of my room, I gently pushed him against the wall and stood on my tippy-toes so my lips could reach his neck. I gave him a few kisses, a playful little lick, and in response he picked me up.
I love a man who can pick me up. It felt like I was in every romantic movie I had ever wanted to be in, so I wrapped my legs around his waist. He turned so I was the one against the wall, then nuzzled his mouth into the nape of my neck. I threw my head back in ecstasy ... and then he growled.
I was a little taken aback, but who was I to judge a person's sexy time noises? Maybe he was just really into it, I thought. Maybe I have that effect on men.
But then he growled louder, like an animal in mating season, before giving my lip a painful bite. Not a nibble, mind you, a bite. I checked for bleeding.
Not wanting to embarrass him but not enjoying the path we were going down, I faked a laugh and said, "Haha, no animals for me, please."
"I can't help it," he whispered breathlessly into my ear. "You turn on the animal in me." And then he ran his nose through my hair while making a few little sniffing noises. He was sniffing my hair.
What the hell was this, Animal Planet? I was hoping for an X-rated movie; instead I got animal mating season on the Discovery Channel.
He wasn't being overly forceful, though, and since I didn't feel like I was in any actual danger, I laughed again saying, "Sorry, not a big fan of animals," and then tried to redirect his attention.
For someone who enjoys acting like an animal, he didn't take the bait.
Instead, he threw his head back and started howling. HOWLING. Then he started gently humping my leg like a dog (or maybe a werewolf?)
I kept waiting for him to laugh and tell me he was totally kidding because I couldn't think of an actual scenario where he could possibly be serious.
It was then I noticed his hand was ... busy. Very busy. He was jerking himself off.
At this point, I had absolutely no clue what to do. I was being humped by a masturbating man.
Fearing he might have actually dropped down all fours, I made the executive decision to end the evening's activities.
"Wow, look at what time it is!" I shrieked like a maniacal circus clown but he didn't hear me over all the humping, howling, and masturbating.
"WOW. LOOK. AT. WHAT. TIME. IT. IS," I proclaimed much louder as I wriggled away from him and started picking my clothes up from the floor.
"What, don't you like this?" he asked me, still touching himself.
What on earth was there to like? Did he actually think it felt good to have a hard dick repeatedly jab into the side of my hip?
In my last attempt to get him to leave, I gave him the classic, "I have to get up for work really early tomorrow."
It didn't even faze him. In fact, I think he took it as a sign to try harder — with himself.
His manhandling continued to increase in intensity until I blurted, "STOP! Stop! Please stop because whatever it is you're doing is really weird and making me very uncomfortable."
I couldn't believe the words came out of my month.
He stopped alright. He stopped, grabbed his clothes, shot me the dirtiest look I've ever seen, and left.
I never saw him ever again — but then again, I haven't been to the zoo recently.