If you can't handle the subways, you'll never survive.
The city that never sleeps. The concrete jungle. Gotham. The N-Y-C. It's been called many things, but to us it's simply home. Each day, thousands flock to our city to see the sights, try the pizza, and see what really happens in a New York minute. If you're one of them, we have a few things we need you to keep in mind before and during your stay.
Read on for 50 tips New Yorkers want everyone to know. Follow the rules and you might find that we're a little nicer to you. Hell, we might even ask you to extend your stay.
1. Our city is dirty, crazy and sexy (in an Angelina Jolie circa 1999 kind of way).
2. If you visit our city, please stay the f*ck out of Midtown. See dirty Disneyland and then see New York. Flying into JFK, staying near Grand Central station, eating in Times Square, and taking a photo of Rockefeller Center isn't a visit to New York.
3. Know how to walk before you get here. Walking slow makes us crazy. Walking slow up the subway stairs while texting or in groups of four across the entire width of the pavement makes us homicidal.
4. Bagels are to New York as avocado is to California. They're the best, we like them, we're proud of them, but not every breakfast we have includes them.
5. We drink like it's our job. Telling a New Yorker that you aren't drinking "for awhile" will result in us seeing it as a personal attack on our social life (how can we enjoy drinking when you sit there and sip your diet coke? So selfish). In fact, many of our professional relationships are enhanced by alcohol.
6. There's trash everywhere in New York. The city smells. It’s crowded. It’s expensive. It’s loud. We can complain about it as much as we want to. You cannot.
7. Seriously, move out of the way. We're excited that you're so excited to see a 5th Avenue sign that you need to slowly move your iPad around it and get a video, but could you please find a time to do this when we aren't trying to get to work?
8. Our taxi drivers are some shady mutherf*ckers. You still need to tip them.
9. If our headphones are in, you don't exist.
10. There's a special place in Hell for anyone who wears a backpack on the subway.
11. Our bodega's aren't "mini-marts." They're special, magical places which hold all of life’s vital necessities when sick, drunk or hungover. They're run by men and women we trust enough to leave our apartment keys with, as well as items we need to return to people we never want to see again.
12. Darwin comes to mind every time we step onto a crowded subway.
13. And you should know that a crowded subway is no excuse for unlawful sexual conduct.
14. Should some pervert make a pass, feel free to A) Scream at them, B) Kick them, C) Take a snapshot and send it to The Daily News, or D) All of the above.
15. Making eye contact on the subway is risky.
16. Especially if the person you're looking at is hot.
17. Oh, the pain of unspoken love, the exit and the closing doors.
18. New Yorkers have zero concept of the phrase "not on a school night."
19. Snowstorm warnings are followed by a rush for basic necessities (i.e., three or more bottles of wine).
20. We're more likely to choose meeting up with friends over a date. When we do meet up, we will likely have what sounds like an argument but is really how we show love. #WeFightBecauseWeCare
21. Being single in this city sucks when trying to meet someone, but rocks when you just want to get your solo on.
22. Only a New Yorker knows the desperate need to "get the hell out of here" and the joys of "finally getting back into the city" a week later.
24. When we talk about not dating bankers, we don't mean the dude who gets your cash at Citibank. If he's a nice guy, go for it.
25. Going out on a Friday usually involves a minimum of three venues and perhaps two groups of friends.
26. Don't expect us to meet you at 11 AM on a weekend morning. Brunch hours are 12 PM to 3:30 PM, and you can expect them to be boozy.
27. 30 black clothing items = three months of wardrobe options.
28. If we order Seamless with you, well, it's pretty serious.
29. Most of our supers are crazy, but our doormen? #RideOrDie
30. We close our eyes on the crowded subway to save us from winding up on the ten o'clock news.
31. The only subway performers we like are the men who sound like Otis Redding and Sam Cooke at the 23rd St. Uptown F/M station. Rock on, you two.
32. Please don’t showcase your drunken vocal skills on our streets or in our bars. The only person we want to hear singing "New York, New York" is Frank Sinatra. Maybe Tony Bennett on occasion. At a wedding perhaps, but that's it.
33. You're either uptown or downtown. If you're Midtown, you're a tourist or part of the uptown crew having a pre-show dinner.
34. OK, we'll admit it: The Ghostbusters station in Tribeca always makes us smile.
35. Grooming yourself on the subway is so disgusting that our biological impulses set in, and we want to spray our travel-sized hairspray in your face and run the other side of the train to get away from your shedding cells. Clipping nails on the 1 train? Really?!
36. That said, keep your nail game tight, ladies (in a salon!). This is a city full of independent, boss women who will gladly roll their sleeves up and get their hands dirty with perfectly manicured nails.
37. Don't respond in judgmental shock when we reveal we don't have a license. Why would we drive? Common sense, please.
38. Everything is negotiable and arguable. Literally everything.
39. If we don't know you and you offer us something for free, you immediately become our enemy.
40. We aren't "mean," we just value efficiency.
41. A heavy sigh usually means you were just spared a punch in the face.
42. We're always running late, even if we're early.
43. You can identify a New Yorker in Times Square by the vile, hateful, angry look that one can only otherwise view in the deepest parts of Hell.
44. We judge those who don't jaywalk and risk their lives by running across a busy street. Please see #42 and stop holding our lives back with your fear.
45. Please don't use the MTA machine with five family members and attempt to figure out how to use it when there are five other people behind you trying to get onto the train.
46. We don't like rats, but we can appreciate their dedication to the hustle.
47. We can handle anything and anyone, but a snow puddle can make us its b*tch in two seconds flat.
48. We accept that cat hair will always be flying around our bodega bacon, egg and cheese.
49. We think, "Are you f*cking kidding me?" is an appropriate reaction to a negative surprise and good gossip.
50. If you see someone stopping and taking a photo of the Empire State Building, Grand Central or the skyline, it's likely a New Yorker. Gets us every time.
This article was originally published at bdclifeinstyle.com. Reprinted with permission from the author.