The 6 Stages Of Pooping In A Relationship

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Everybody does it. Nobody wants to admit it.

Congratulations, you've got a relationship!

Now, for the downside: You can never ever do another unattractive thing for the rest of your life. If you do, your partner will become disgusted, won't want to sleep with you, will inevitably get fed up with your sexless relationship, and then leave you.

Or, at least that's what it feels like at the beginning.

As time goes on, you become more comfortable with not giving 100 percent at all times. Out come the sweatpants. Makeup becomes optional. It's par for the course.

But inevitably, there's one barricade that couples tear down last, if at all: pooping. Everybody does it; nobody wants to admit it, especially not to someone you're trying to sleep with anyway.

Here's how it plays out:

1. Maintaining the illusion. Girls don't poop, silly. The only smells I ever emit are lavender and gingerbread.
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Audrey Hepburn
2. Going undercover. Attempting to only ever poop at work so it's impossible for incriminating evidence to be found.
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Liz Lemon
3. Pushing yourself to the limit. Holding it in when you're at his place ... then sneaking out at 6 AM due to a "code brown."
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Salma Hayek
4. Bargaining. Maybe I can poop at home if he won't be here for a week. And I open all the windows. And spray an entire bottle of Febreeze.
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Stephen Colbert
5. Hesitating acceptance. OK, I'll admit that I poop if you promise not to go in the bathroom for a few hours after me.
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6. IDGAF. I don't care that you're brushing your teeth. Did you see what I ate at Taco Bell?
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