The phrase "f*ck like bunnies" exists for a reason.
Sex feels really, really good. This is just common knowledge.
However, somewhere along the way some well-meaning person said, "Dang, we gotta stop doing it with such reckless abandon. Let's make people feel like lust is a weakness of character, and that sex for reasons other than procreation is something only animals do. Yes, I recognize the irony, as most animals instinctively have sex as a means to propagate their species."
Thank goodness no one is uptight about recreational sex any more. But what about the animals? Well, here are 15 animals who have the kind of libertine sex drives that would put coked-out caveman swingers to shame.
1. Emperor Penguins
Have you ever seen a penguin walk? It has to take forever to get anywhere with those tiny legs and practically vestigial wings, yet they walk upwards of 70 miles to honk at each other (it's called bugling) before they pair off and get to business.
Remember this the next time you're bummed out that a Tinder match is outside of 5-mile radius.
2. Praying Mantis
The female praying mantis gets a bad rap. Urban legend says that she bites the head off of her partner at the completion of copulations, but per Snopes, that only happens sometimes. And in many cases, it's the male that submits himself for sacrifice.
Note to females of every species: crashing after some good lovin' and willingness to be eaten are two separate things.
Sure, that thing about dolphins being the only other animal to have recreational sex is untrue, but they really do love sex. From using live eels as a fleshlight to doing it with humans to hooking up with same-sex partners as a fraternity-esque friendship ritual, male dolphins are some freaks.
Technically, they don't come much hornier than the rhino. OK, glad you're done laughing at that ruthlessly funny pun.
The horned ones do engage in fairly vigorous, hour-long love-making sessions in which the male ejaculates every few minutes. The lady rhino is off sex for upwards of 3 years at this point, presumably until she can feel her legs again.
So, what are all of those morons using the keratin horn for? Not sure. It's hard to argue with morons, but The Atlantic says rhino horn is more valuable than gold.
If there's a Ziggy Stardust of the animal kingdom, it's the bonobo (pansexuality, rather than transcendent musical exploration and glitter).
The only verboten sexual configuration for the bonobo is mother and son. And while that would clearly bum out Freud, we think it makes sense.
6. Assam Macaques
The macaque is yet another primate. Hailing from south and southeast Asia, the macaque has a 3 to 4-month mating season that makes spring break at Lake Havasu look positively Victorian in comparison.
In order to protect offspring from being ripped to shreds due to improper paternity, the lady macaques all mate at the same time, and frequently, during the sex season so no male macaques have a clue whose kid belongs to anyone.
Evidently, they're pretty decent dads because of this. Like Ray Velcoro without the awesome mustache.
7. Short-Nosed Fruit Bats
Most animals do it like Pitbull — "get it in, get it on" — but the short-nosed fruit bat is all about tantra. During copulation, the female will bend over and perform fellatio on the male while still engaged in coitus.
The process actually extends the sexual by upwards of two minutes. No word if he feels obligated to get her a glass of Sprite after.
Are rabbits always doing it or do we just imagine how adorable those fluffballs are when they hump? Well, one thing to know about rabbits is that they're fecund.
Part of this is that gal rabbits begin ovulating as soon as they begin boning. Couple this with the fact that they can have litters of up to 12, and a gestation period of slightly more time than the Xulane patch last.
It seems like we all became experts on lions after whatshisface shot that one lion in Africa that one time, but we didn't really get into their sex lives. Did you know that a lioness is borderline insatiable? Cat Collection says that lady lions bang every 15 minutes for two to three days without sleep.
Sure, each roll in the hay only lasts 5 to 20 sweaty, glorious seconds, but that's still a lot of boning. In addition to all this conventional, "for profit" sexing, both male and female lions have been known to engaged in homosexual frottage.
Well, no one on this site is going to argue about the importance of Omega 3, but it just seems like a lot of effort to swim upstream just to spawn. In fact, the effort generally results in the death of the fish with the hatchlings stuck fending for themselves.
Salmon sex must be pretty stellar to make this worth it. And as an English professor told me in college, "If someone pronounces the 'L' in salmon, they have no interest in being your friend."
11. Brown Antechinus
Exactly what you imagine will happen to your teenage son is what happens to this Aussie rodent. He comes to sexual maturity and then stops producing sperm.
Because of this, he's compelled to have aggressive sex for two to three weeks on-end until his body essentially disintegrates from the effort. Maybe get him some Jergens.
12. Shaw's Jird
And the second rodent to make it on our list give the old antechinus a run for his money. This little guy can climax upwards of 240 times in a single hour. You may need a banana to keep from cramping, bud.
13. Red Phalarope
It's not that the phalarope is particularly amorous, however, it's one of a very few birds in which the gender roles are reversed. The hen is larger and much more aggressive than the male of the species, and he stays at home to raise the hatchlings.
You'd guess that he doesn't have to explain to other birds that he prefers to be at home and not that his wife is making him. More disappointing than anything, it appears no birds copulate exclusively during free fall.
Well, the satyr is a horny old mythical half goat/half man who's really, really into doing it. Real goats may be a different story.
ListVerse says that sometimes male goats (billies) need the lady goats (nannies) to dry hump each other like a Girls Gone Wild video until everyone is ready to get it. But Science Daily states that goat sexuality is a little more complex than we give it credit for. It's generally believed that during the fall breeding season these goats wild out.
Allegedly, a nanny will urinate on a billie so he knows she's ready. See: Kelly, R.
15. NOT Giant Pandas
If you're like me, you've had it up to here with pandas not mating in captivity. Sure, all of us get bored the longer we're with the same partner, but the issue is a little more acute with these black and white bears.
It turns out that female pandas are only into sex when they're ovulating, and that only happens for a window of one to three days once per year. That's a whole lot of "not tonight, bae."