5 Shocking Sex Secrets I Learned From Being A Housekeeper

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Heartbreak, Sex

If you don't think your housekeeper knows everything about your sex life, think again.

Three years ago and without warning, my husband abandoned me and my children. He simply "went to the store," cleaned out the bank account, left his truck at work, quit his job, and then never came home.

I was left with a 7-month-old, a 3-year-old, no money, no job, and to make matters worse I didn't have a college education.

Since starving wasn't an option and being homeless didn't sound appealing, I knew that I needed to do something, and I needed to do it fast.

One night while sitting at my kitchen table, pouring out my grievances to a friend, we hit an awkward pause where she wasn't sure what to say, and she found herself sort of just looking around the room.

"Wow, your house is so clean. Can you please come clean my house?" she joked.

A light bulb went off in my head, and after putting a little more thought into it and gaining a few client referrals, I became a housekeeper.

Although I was thankful for the work, and most of my clients treated me with nothing but respect, there were a few things I learned on the job that I really would've rather left in the dark, particularly the things that I learned about sex. Oh yes, sex.

1. Old people are into some kinky sh*t.

I don't care how sweet your grandma is; I guarantee that for every single one of you that's stashing things away when your parents come over, twice as many of you have grandparents who are frantically hiding their "Kama Sutra" books and sex swings when they hear their doorbell ring.

Yes, sex swings. Apparently titanium hips these days can do it all.

2. Parents of young children mostly have sex in the basement.

I learned quickly that when cleaning the finished basement in houses with young children, I needed to check my gloves for holes before cleaning the basement couch. From condoms to sex toys, creepy stains and tampons that seem to have been hastily relocated, couches in the basements were a biohazard.

I mean, hey, I get it  if you don't want to wake the kids up then go where they can't hear you. But still, I'll never watch a movie on a friend's basement couch again.

3. Women keep their vibrators everywhere BUT the night stand.

I cannot even tell you how many times I've stood in front of a shower and thought to myself, "You knew I was coming today, right?" while staring at a large dildo or vibrator perched on the side of the tub.

Thankfully, I can only recall one time where I was cleaning the tub of a college-aged girl, and when her mother came into the bathroom to talk to me, she didn't even miss a beat as she scooped up the purple twisted vibrator in the soap dish. She said, "Oh sorry, let me move that for you," and then went back to what she'd previously been talking about.

4. A surprising number of people come home for a lunchtime quickie ... but not with their spouse.

The lunchtime quickie is a real thing, and unfortunately, it collides with an affair much more than I'd like to admit. We all know that people have extramarital office romances, but I never knew so many people brought them home.

I guess, in some twisted and horrible reality, it does make sense. If you don't want the expense and paper trail of getting a hotel room, why not bring your co-worker-with-benefits back to your house while your spouse is at work?

In fact, as I learned the hard way, you can always blame the earring on the bedroom floor on your housekeeper. Big cash tips or not, those were the clients I quickly pulled off of my schedule.

5. Men have more pre-sex rituals than women.

At some point in most marriages women come to believe, "Eh, he's going to want to sleep with me no matter how hairy my legs are," and men come to accept, "She never wants to sleep with me so I'd better step up the personal body care."

I feel confident in saying this because I knew my clients well, many of them outside the bounds of my cleaning business, and it was easy to see the correlation between a well used (and covered in facial hair, nail clippings, and cologne) man's side of the bathroom with a romantic evening later that night.

The woman's side of the bathroom? Always gross. Women are just gross whether they're having sex or not. Enough said.

So, I guess what they say is almost true: most people will never know what goes on in your sex life ... unless you have a housekeeper.


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